


Cherish

by F3296



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-11 18:57:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13530528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F3296/pseuds/F3296
Summary: A Year in captivity can change a lot of things. For Raphael it changed the most important thing, the only thing he cherished. Rated for adult content, Drug/Alcohol Abuse, non-con.





	1. In the Beginning

_**A/N: Hello everyone!!! So heres the backstory of this particular fic. I originally made this under the name LittlePriss back in like 2014. I made a second account because of fear of being ridiculed by my viewers for having Tcest in my collections. But recently stumbled on it and seeing that I have yet to finish this fanfiction as well as seeing some of the positive responses I have received on this fic. So I decided to give it a whirl and post it on my main profile and attempt (Because I forgot the login information of the Littlepriss account) to remove it from those accounts and keep it here. So this will be the updated/finished version of the story and I hope I receive just as much positivity from when I originally posted it. And if it turns out good, I have other stories in mind that are Tcest related and as well as my non tcest stories that I will still continue to post. With that please enjoy this story as much as I had writing it!** _

 

The night grew dim, like a large blanket covering over the raging city of New York in a sense of trying to put the lively town to rest. As the rest of the city continued to move forward, so did the passing of two figures jumping across the buildings in a speedy pace. This was their playground, their chance at freedom of society. The dark night covering their bodies as they raced one another, flipping, skidding across the rooftops. A flash of red then a flash of orange, two such lively colors surviving in the perfect down, facing off the rest of the world. Raphael, the strongest, ran a quickly as he could away from his younger brother in a chance to win a game of chase. Mikey, the fastest, eluding his brother into thinking he was winning, only to wait for the perfect moment to strike back and get his victory. The scheming prankster thought of a thousand ways to distract his brother but none would work so he chose another approach.

“You know Leo is gonna kick our shells when he finds out we snuck out.” He called out to his older brother. He could hear the snarl come from the red banded turtle, making Mikey chuckle from getting such a reaction.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass one what Leo has to say.” He snapped back, only to get a larger grin to form on the youngest face. 

“You’re not seriously still mad about sparring earlier?” He asked. He had him there. Raph stopped suddenly looking back at Mikey.

“Hey he threw a cheap shot!” Raph yelled. Mikey stopped right in front of him, smiling from ear to ear. He slowly got closer to him, stepping to the side slightly; making sure his beak was up close to Raph’s face for him to feel his hot breath across his cheek.

“Now we all know Leo plays fair.” He whispered, sending chills down Raph’s spine, feeling his body begin to get warmer by the close proximity of his younger brother.

“But I don’t.” He said before taking off again, leaving Raph behind him to try and defog his now muttered mind. Shaking his head lightly, Raph looked in the direction that Mikey went and growled.  He began the chase again, retracing the steps Michelangelo was taking. Even though he was losing the race, he couldn’t lie if he said he didn’t enjoy the view of the younger’s tail. He knew he would get Mikey back when they made it back to the Lair. They both stopped on the roof they considered the finishing point. Mikey threw his hands up in the air.

“And winner and still champion, Michelangelo!” He hollered out to the world around. Raph groaned and crossed his arms facing away from Mikey.“

Ya whateva’ ya little sneak. I’ll get ya next time.” He pouted. Mikey stopped his gloating for a moment. He put on an innocent smile, clasping is hands behind his back and tilted his head to the side.

“promise?” He asked in a small voice. Raph looked over to the see the innocence that Mikey was displaying and he couldn’t help but to smile. He couldn’t be mad even if he tried seeing Mikey like that. So sweet and with his large blue eyes gleaming into the night sky like they did. He walked over to his brother and cupped the side of Mike’s cheek, rubbing slightly with his thumb.

“Promise.” He whispered before dipping his head for his lips to meet Mikey’s. This thing that they have between themselves started months ago, way under the radar of their other brothers and father. They knew it was wrong, in a way of taboo but they couldn’t stop. The attractions were always there, even when they were younger. The small touches, the glances, it was all too real. The night that Mikey came to Raph and confessed there was something more, Raph was more then willing to agree. Though it started out awkward, they learned, and from then on turned it into something memorable and desirable. Something that was more than lust, more than a brotherhood. It became love, and they became mates.

They kept it secret, showing no signs of intimacies between them in front of their family. Everything was behind closed doors, silent and muffled.  But nights like these were what Raph truly cherished the most. They were out in the open yes, but they knew how to stay hidden, blend their sounds to the rest of the world. His feelings toward Michelangelo only grew more and more everyday. To the public he was the little brother he swore to protect. In private, he was the lover he couldn’t live without.   
The kiss simple at first, long and passionate. Raph wanted more, pressing hard, wrapping his arms around Mikey’s smaller frame. He slipped his tongue in Mikey’s mouth; savoring every last inch, enjoying the small churr that rolled off the younger’s tongue.  He pulled away, looking at the flush color of his mates face, smiling with bliss seeing the radiating blue eyes looking deep in his burning golds. Everything about Michelangelo made life worth living. He wishes he could see what Mikey could see, the good in everything.   He felt his own hard personality melt away into something softer, kinder, and Raph didn’t mind one bit. 

“I love you.” He whispered. Mikey smiled wider from Raph’s confession, loving this side of Raph that he only was able to see in the bedroom.

“Awe isn’t that just sweet.” Said a low voice beside them. Raph and Mikey both snapped their heads to the side with shocked expressions.  Hun. The man who hated the turtles more than anything. After accidentally turning him into a mutated turtle just as they, he had made it a personal vendetta to destroy each of the turtles slowly and painfully. Raph growled, pulling away from Mikey and tugging his sais out of his belt. 

“Wonder what it’s like to be the black sheep’s of a family of freaks. Falling for your own brother, how disgraceful.” Hun taunted. Mikey physically flinched by the remark, causing Raph to stand in front of him.

“Says the bastard who looks like an experiment gone wrong.”  Raph taunted back with a smirk plastered on his face. Hun hummed in recognition but made no remark. Instead, he snapped his fingers then suddenly, purple dragons appeared from their hiding places, covering every inch of the roofs around the area. Raph looked around and smiled wider thinking of the fun he was going to have beating the shit out of each and every one of them. Raph’s train of thought came to a halt when he felt a three-fingered hand on his shoulder. He looked back to see Mikey staring at him with a Concerned look on his face.

“Raph, I’m getting a bad feeling about this.” He whispered. A prang of fear went through Raph.

Mikey wasn’t the one to make up a feeling to get out of a fight, if anything his feelings of situations have saved their shells multiple times. But this time it didn’t make any sense. They were just purple dragons; they bring these guys down more then they do the Foot Ninjas.

“Mike, we can take them-“

“Raph please!” he begged. Now he knew there was something wrong. The pure fear that was glistening in Mikey’s baby blues was enough for Raph to know it was time to retreat.  Raph turned his head back to Hun who was standing there laughing.

“Aint no way you’re getting out of this one, freak.” He said. Raph bit his lip, looking at his options and hated to admit it but Hun may have been right, they had to fight. He looked back at Mikey, who had his nun-chucks pulled out and ready, and gave him a reassuring smile before charging in after the Purple Dragons.The fight raged on, people flying, blood splattered, but no death. Raph was known to kill only when needed. This was not needed. He knocked them out one by one, staying by Mikey’s side as best he could. Ever since this relationship between the two, he had grown extra protective of the smaller turtle, making sure he stays out of danger at all times. This fight was easy. Purple Dragon’s Raph never saw as a challenge.  He and Casey go out to beat a few just for fun.

To him this was a workout. What was really bothering him was why now? Why was Hun just standing there? None of it really made since but all Raph knew was that he had to keep Mikey safe. He was starting to get caught up in his own thoughts he took no notice to the purple dragon with the blow dart. His body went rigid. A sharp prick caught his attention from the fight. He reached for his neck and pulled out what looked to be a dart.Oh no.It was a sedative, and a fast working one at best. His vision began to double. The world around him was wobbling, he started to trip over his own feet that he didn’t even notice the punch that was given by one of the Purple Dragons.

The punch didn’t hurt but it was enough to send Raph spiraling to the ground. His body felt heavy. He could barely keep his eyes open. He vaguely heard Mikey calling out his name. He turned his head to the side, seeing Mikey trying to fight off now multiple dragons at once. His body tensed when he saw Hun walking over to the dog pile of Dragons, reaching into the crowed and pulling Mikey out by his neck, and forcefully slamming him down into the concrete ground. Raphael struggled terribly, trying to get his body to move; to protect what was his but it wouldn’t respond. He watched through his fuzzy vision Hun carrying Mikey over his shoulder and walking out of his sights. The last thing Raph saw before his vision went dark was the drop of blood dripping from his lover’s mouth as he was dragged away.


	2. Return

Return  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

1 year later:

 

The snow fell down from the darken skies like sprinkles on a cake, falling on top of the cold corps of a young man in the middle of an abandoned alley way. Standing above the broken soul was a young terrapin taking another drag of his cigarette before flicking it to the side, he watched as the small fire of the burning tobacco burn out from the contact of the cold ice. He pulled out a small napkin from his front pocket of his jacket and wiped the access blood from his now bruised knuckles. A gust of wind went through the alley, blowing his orange bandana tails in the air in a lingering dance.  
Michelangelo looked at the lifeless body. He was a purple dragon trying to mug a young woman. He stepped in and took care of the problem and watched as the woman ran away in utter terror. Everyday, he took down more and more Purple Dragons, ending each of their existence. He stuffed his napkin in his pocket leaving the cold body to lie there and disappear within the snow.

He went through the window of an apartment, which he claimed to be his. With sluggish movement, he wondered into the awkwardly placed bathroom, shutting the door behind him and locking the knob. He turned on the steaming water of his shower, hearing the clanging of the old pipes and walked up to the mirror. He looked at his reflection, not concerned of the dry blood from the gang member that began to crust on the side oh his cheek.He reached up and undid the tie of his bandana and pulled it down and it fell loosely into the sink. He allowed his jacket to fall down to the ground and he stepped out of his boots. He looked back up at reflection, focusing on the large scar that ran across his left eye. The two twin slashes coming across the top of his head, making him partially blind in that eye.He failed again. Another Purple Dragon that knew nothing. Useless. Sighing deeply, he stepped into the flowing water and allowed the burning sensation to fall on his tensed muscles. One year. It's been one fucking year and nothing to show for it. Still the same bullshit every night.

He turned off the water and stepped out, wiping off his body off with the towel that hung from the hook on the door. He tied the bandana back on his face and opened the door.

"I thought you were gonna be in there for hours." A voice called, making Mikey go straight for his nun chucks that sat on the chair close to the door. After a moment he recognized the intruder of his purple banded brother.

"Jesus Donnie, learn how to knock?" He responded with an aggravated sigh walking over to the small kitchen and opening the fridge door.

"I did. You didn't answer so I let myself in." Donnie responded, not taking his eyes off the desk top that sat near the window.

"What do I owe the pleasure?" Mikey asked, picking up his pack of cigarettes and pulling one out with is mouth, letting it hang loosely in between his lips as he opened the cap to the beer he was holding. Donnie peered his eye over to his younger brother; hating the habits he had gotten himself into. He turned back to the computer.

"I forgot a couple a programs last time I was here so I came by to pick them up." He stated. Mikey hummed in understanding before placing his lit cigarette in his hand and brought his beer up for a sip. The taste was bitter and not all that pleasing but it drowned everything out, made everything numb. He looked at the back of Donnie's head feeling his need grow.

"No way you can stay over tonight?" He asked. Donnie didn't even wince, as if expecting the question.

"Not tonight. Leo has something planned later so I think I'm gonna do that." He explained.

Mikey scowled at the thought of the eldest. Hero Leonardo. The hypocrisy in that title was almost laughable. He shook off the negative feelings of the eldest, dragging a swift puff of air from the cigarette. Donnie stopped all of a sudden from his typing.

"You know he was asking about you today." He said. Mikey rubbed his face.

"I care?" he asked sarcastically. Donnie shrugged.

"You should. He's still your big brother whether you like it or not." He said. Mikey snarled, trying not to think about him."Father says hello." Donnie said a little quieter. Now that one hurt. The thought of his father put a shot of homesickness in his heart but he was too stubborn to ever admit it. He noticed Donnie stopped all movement. Mikey crushed the flame in the ashtray and placed his drink down and walked over to Donnie.

He wrapped his arms behind his neck and rested his chin on his shoulder, nuzzling the side of his cheek slightly, gaining a small grin from Donnie. Mikey smiled lightly. Oh how he missed contact. His heart sunk slightly. He had to stop thinking like that, it will never help. He hugged a little more tightly.

"You sure you can't stay?" He whispered innocently? Donnie pondered for a moment.

"Mikey do you need it?" He asked in a serious tone. Mikey thought for a moment. As much as he would love to spend the night with his brother, he knew he wanted to spend time with Leo tonight. Mikey wasn't going to stop him. He let go of his brother and walked back to the counter.

"Nah, I'm alright you go have-" he was cut off by the sound of clanging coming from outside. Mikey tensed instantly. He grabbed his weapon and opened his window. He didn't like when people snuck around his neighborhood. He was about to step out when he felt a presence next to him to see Donnie next to him.

"And just what do you think your doing?" he asked. Donnie smirked."You don't think I'm gonna let you have all the fun did you?" He countered. Mikey huffed hopping out of the apartment down to the ground followed by Donnie.

Mikey scaled the side of the wall, weapon up and ready. He turned quickly keeping close to the wall. He didn’t have his coat and so he needed to stay to the shadows. He went deeper into the alleyway and noticed someone at the end and froze. The figure stood taller then he, bulkier. He knew that build, that shell. Mikey's heart was racing.

"No way." he whispered. The figure turned and saw him. The burning gold eyes, the ones filled with so much passion and fury. The ones he fell for were staring back at him. The appearance relaxed looking at Mikey. His eyes, wanting, happy. No. No!

"Mikey.." He ruffled before he fell to his knees and landed on his face right in the snow. Mikey just stood there, unknowing how to respond. He felt movement behind him. Donnie sped around him and crouched down, feeling the side of his neck for a pulse. His brown eyes turned to Mikey burning.

"Mikey help me!" He demanded. He acted on command and helped Donnie lift up the heavy body and bring him to the front of the complex. Luckily enough there wasn't a lot of tenants so they were able to bring him up the stairs with no worry of anyone seeing.Slamming the door open, they brought him to the bedroom and laid him on the bed. It was Raphael. After a year he was here in the flesh. How? Why? Mikey stood there taking in his injuries, the bruises, the cuts, his sunken eyes. But his build was still in tact.

He wasn't malnourished and his muscle mass seemed the same. Mikey stayed in the doorway, watching as Donnie looked over their missing brother. This wasn't right. Not at all!Donnie looked up to see the look on Mikey's face. He knew that face. Far too well. He saw Mikey take a step back.

"Mikey." Donnie warned. Mikey didn't respond but took a bigger step back. He was trembling. Donnie knew he was going to run.

"Mikey hold on!" He called as Mikey dashed out of the apartment and out into the world. Donnie knew there wasn't anything he could do about Mikey right now and focused his attention to his immediate younger brother. So many questions all at once he was surprised his mind didn't overload on itself. With a sigh he got up and went into the bathroom and took out the first aid kit and was back at Raphael’s side. He heard him rumble under his breath as he slept, quite positive he heard his speak Mikey's name.

"Raph where have you been?"

* * *

 

 

_**A/N: Du du duuuuu! Raphs back!!! But why is Mikey acting like this?? Find out in the next chapter! Leave reviews I love hearing from you guys (: till next time!** _   
_**-F** _


	3. Staying Afloat

Staying Afloat  
.  
.  
.

 

The darkness crept in like a silent intruder, entering his mind at a fast pace, making him feel like he was floating on a cloud. He looked out to the darkness, seeing that small glimmer of light, the small thing that changed his own personality into something worth meaning. The swirling noise of the distant wind was loud, pranging against his eardrums in a rhythmic pattern. Raphael was trapped in this endless darkness. He could not speak, he could not move, only floated there into eternal darkness.  
"Raphie.." The voice, so sweet, so tender. It was the only noise that brought him back to reality, reminding him what he lived for, who was worth meaning.  
He looked into the small light ahead of him to see his younger brother, standing there with a gleaming smile, bright blue eyes filled with so much life. Raphael's heart was instantly swelled with tenderness and care. Looking at this figure reminded him of what he cherished.  
Suddenly, the darkness around swirled and twisted making everything sway around in a circular motion. Raph began to panic, fearing of losing Michelangelo's image as the light began to grow brighter around him.  
"Mikey!" he yelled, hoping to reach out, to get a reaction of some kind, anything. He felt himself grow heavy all of a sudden and the lights disappearing. He opened his eyes slowly, searing back from the new infliction of light. He took slow, tentative breaths, feeling the stings and throbs from various parts of his body. He groaned, trying to recall to the last thing he remembered. He was in the snow, banging against the metal trashcans that were left in the alley. Realization hit him. He saw him. He saw his Mikey standing there.  
"Mikey.." He called out quietly. Through his blurry vision, he was able to make out a figure walking into the room where he was laid. It was built and green.

"Mikey?" He called again with a little more strength. He scrunched his eyes and shook his head lightly, adjusting to the new surroundings.

"Not quite." The voice spoke. His vision finally cleared, he looked up to see his older brother Donatello looking down at him.  
"Donnie." Raph said with a smile. It was good to see his brother standing there, feeling of home sweeping by him. He looked exactly the same; it was nice to see family.  
"How're you feeling?" He asked in a serious tone but the smile never leaving his face. Now knowing where he was and remembering the past twenty-four hours, his energy and strength came back to him. Taking his time, he sat himself up, resting his shell against the wall with Donnie warning him to take it easy because of his injuries. Once settled, Raph took a relaxing sigh.  
"Donnie you have no idea how nice it to see a familiar face." He ruffled. Donnie took a seat on the bed by Raph's feet.

"Well it would be nice to know where you've been this whole time." Donnie piped. Raph sat and thought about it. He knew he was gone for a while and knew his family was worried. Fear went through his heart thinking of Michelangelo. They were separated, Raph unknowing what happened to him.  
"Raph?" Donnie called, knocking him out of his daydream. Raph looked up at him.

"The Purple Dragons took me. They kept me down in some cellar for this entire time." Raph explained. Raph noticed the surprised expression on his brother's face.  
"Purple Dragons?" He asked. Raphael nodded. Raph recognized that look. Donnie was putting pieces together. Donnie turned his head for a moment then looked back at his brother.  
"Didn't you try and escape?" He asked. Raph felt a little offended by the question.

"Course I did. It wasn't exactly like five star statues." Raph said a little dry. Donnie hummed. Raph was too anxious, too impatient to wait for Donnie's intelligence to work.  
"Is Mikey okay?" He asked suddenly. Donnie snapped his head up for a moment.  
"Huh? Oh yea he's fine." He said. Raphael was a little taken back by the response.  
"Wait, he's not injured or anything?" Raph asked. Donnie shrugged.

"I didn't say that." Donnie was playing the mind game, something that Raph didn't miss.  
"Look I'll make you a deal, tell me what happened the night you guys disappeared and I'll tell you everything I know." He reasoned. As much as Raph wanted to know more on the progress of his mate, he knew he would have to cooperate. But one thing did bother him.  
"Wait? Mikey didn't tell you what happened?" Raph questioned. Donnie smiled slightly.  
"Mikey doesn't say a lot anymore." Raph felt terror, fearing what could have happened to his lover. Donnie saw the tension forming in Raphael's muscles and put him palms up in surrender.  
"He's okay I promise. But, it would help me a lot more if you could tell me what happened." Donnie explained. Raph sat for a moment, recollecting the events from six months past.  
"Me and Mike…we went for a run. We stopped on a roof and started talking," He heard Donnie chuckle. "What?""Sure, you guys were just talking." He said with a devious smirk. Raph felt nervous but disguised it with anger.  
"What else would we be doin' Don?" He asked aggressively.  
"Please Raph don't dunce. You seriously think you guys went that long without me or Leo finding out?" Donnie asked. Raph felt a burning sensation on his cheeks.  
"H-how did you…we were so discrete!" Raph protested making Donnie smile wider.  
"Sorry to break it to you but twin churrs echoing in the lair is not very discrete." Raph ducked his head in his hands, face flaming with embarrassment. Donnie laughed a little harder at Raphael's embarrassment but quickly recollected himself.  
"Raph, there's nothing to be ashamed of. We're okay with it. In fact, you kinda influenced me and Leo." Raph's head shot up like a rocket. A smile breaking on his face.  
"You and Leo?" He asked. Donnie nodded.  
"You, and stick up the ass Leo." He taunted. Donnie smirked, rubbing the back of his neck. Raph was happy. To see his two older brothers finding pleasure and that their father was okay with it made everything else seem surprisingly well. Like a heavy weight of shame and worry taken off his shoulders. Thinking of Leo and Don made Raph think of Mikey which he still has yet to see while fully aware of his surroundings.  
Raph bit his lip before continuing. "We were up there just doing our thing and then Hun came out of no where." Raph watched Donnie's reaction to the information he was providing. His face stayed blank, processing everything without giving any chance of knowing what he was thinking.  
"We started to fight, everything was fine. Then I got shot with a dart and blacked out. Last thing I remember, Hun got Mikey pretty good." Raph felt his heart clench thinking of the blood and his lover's mouth leading slightly to the side like a broken bobble head. Donnie nodded. When Donnie said nothing further, Raphael spoke up.  
"Is he okay?" More concern then intended in his voice. Donnie shrugged.  
"As best as he could be I guess. Like I said, he hasn't said a word." Raph narrowed his eyes.  
"How did you guys find him?" Raph asked.  
"We didn't. About a 3 or 4 months after you guys disappeared, he came walking in the lair. He was malnourished, had a broken arm, terrible bruising around the collar bone, A couple of pretty bad slashes across his left eye leaving him half blind. I asked him what happened, tried to let me examine him further but wouldn't say a word and wouldn't let me get near him." Donnie admitted. Raph felt guilt, it pooled and simmered from the failure of being unable to protect his mate. Donnie saw the distress on his brothers face. He sat up slightly and patted Raph's leg.

"Well why don't we go grab some food. Are you up to moving to the kitchen?" He asked. Raph eyed him for a moment then he nodded numbly.  
Taking his time moving, he placed his foot on the carpet floor and finally took in his surroundings. He now finally functioned that he wasn't in the lair but in a small, dirty apartment. He felt Donnie wrap an arm around his waist and help lead him into the narrow spaced kitchen and helped him sit down at the wooden table that sat misplaced in the small room.  
Raphael's body was still throbbed terribly, when he was given the opportunity, he was finally able to reach his escape and leave the bunker that the Dragons had left him in to rot. He had to fight at least a dozen Purple Dragons to make it out. Those bastards rarely gave him food and put him in the fighting ring whenever they could. He was fortunate he was stronger and better skilled than most of the gang members or else he might not be standing here today. He watched as Donnie moved swiftly through the small kitchen, taking up the small plates and placing what looked to be a sandwich made a little sloppy like on the plate.

  
Raph's anger was boiling. He gridded his teeth together thinking of the many ways he would destroy Hun for harming something so precious to him as Michelangelo. When Raph thought back, he remembered Hun coming in every so often, beat him, then leave. But within the recent time he hasn't seen hide nor hair was the mutant bastard. Donnie placed a cup of hot tea in front of him and the small sandwich. Donnie took the seat right across of Raph, gripping the grounded coffee cup tightly in his hand. Raph flicked his eyes up at his brother.  
"I'm gonna kill Hun when I see'im." Raph growled. Donnie chuckled slightly.

  
"Mikey beat you to it already bro." Taking a sip from his still very hot coffee. Raphael shot his head up and looked at Donatello with an unbelievable look. Slightly confused he tipped his head to the side.  
"What're talk'n about?" Donnie places his cup on the table and stared down at it.  
"About 2 months back, we got a hit about some fighting going on and one of the perpetrators looked to be a mutant frog.” Donnie took a sip of his coffee.

“When me and Leo got there it was certainly Mutants but it was two mutant turtles and one of them had their head bashed in. You can guess which turtle that one was." Donnie stopped for a moment remembering back to that night when everything was beginning to spiral out of control, turning into something It wasn't suppose to be. He looked into Raph's eyes. He looked as if someone was telling him a sick joke.  
"Raph I'm not gonna lie to you when I say what Mikey did was crossing the line. He didn't just kill Hun, he brutalized him and made him suffer." Donnie said in a collective voice, not wanting to rile up Raphael just yet. The muscles in his body began to tense.

  
"You're lying." Raph grounded out. "There is no way Mikey couldn't hurt a fly." Raphael was convince with what I was saying. He knew Mikey better then anyone. Donnie just looked at him.  
"Raph, he murdered him-"  
"And I'm tell'n you Mikey wouldn't do something like that!" Raph shot back. Donnie cocked his brow lightly before crossing his hands across his chest.  
"Raph, did you notice we are not in the lair?" He asked. Raph took a quick glance around to take note again of the small loft. He looked back at his older brother and nodded lightly.  
"This is Mikey's apartment. He left us two months after he got back. Does that sound like something Mikey would do?" He quizzed. Raph was fazed only slightly by this information. But why? Why would Mikey leave,? Why would he kill Hun? The moment of relief was flooded with dread. Raph was lost, lost by the information, lost in his own mind. To think that Mikey would willingly get up and leave and run out and murder, was something that was unfathomable.  
"Mikey isn't the same. And I don't know how to fix it." He stated simply, not wanting to get into more detail thinking this is enough for Raphael to handle right now.  
Raphael stood up suddenly, clanging the bottom of the chair against the wooden floor of the kitchen before scurrying over to the window. Donnie quickly followed, grabbing Raph by the upper bicep trying to pull him back.  
"And where do you think your going?" asking pulling him back slightly.  
"What does it look like? I'm gonna go find him." Raph said trying to grab his arm back but Donnie kept a strong hold on it.  
"You won't find him. He's grown this knew habit of disappearing if he doesn't wanna be found." He explained. Raph stood there for a moment, not looking at his purple banded brother.  
"He was here, when you found me?" He asked quietly. Donnie nodded.  
"Why...Why didn't he stay?" Raph turned to face his intelligent brother for an answer, feeling hurt that his love wasn't by his side.  
"I don't know. He has grown to be very unpredictable." Donnie said. Raph closed his eyes before taking a deep breath and biting his bottom lip, trying to control the anger that was beginning to boil. Donnie knew it was time to change the subject.  
"Look I called Leo and Master Splinter," Raph snapped his head back at Donnie. Don smiled.  
"Why don't we go see father?" He asked. The thought of their sensei was comforting. To hear his wise wisdom and to be in the presence of their praising father was more then welcoming. The thought of his eldest brother was also nice. As much as they butt heads he knew he couldn't live without Leo's guidance but wouldn't openly say it. For a moment there was complete silence till Raph nodded. Donnie patted Raph's shoulder lightly before ushering him out of the small apartment and down the closest man hole to visit their brother and father and maybe, they could provide better information on his now vigilante brother.

* * *

 

Miles down from his apartment, Mikey stood in an alleyway of a Purple Dragons hideaway. He looked at the opening of the warehouse, gripping tightly at the hand gun the was loosely placed on his belt. The look in Raphael's eyes. The desire, the need it was all too much. Love that no longer existed. This was all the Purple Dragon's fault. They are tormenting him, making him do this. The thought of Raphael and his soft smile when he spoke his name hurt to much.  
"I don't deserve you." Mikey whispered to himself. As much as he wanted to run into the older turtles arms and give him all he had he couldn't; he had no more to give. How beaten and torn up Raph looked was enough to tell Mikey that he failed terribly in the one thing he set out to do. Blinking away the the prickled tears, he turned his face blank as he walked into the warehouse as quietly as possible. The sounds of gunshots and screams echoed through the streets. The Dragon's took everything from Michelangelo, so now, they will all pay.


	4. Remembrance

Remembrance  
.  
.  
.

 

The sewers were chilly from the lack of heat from the outside world. Raphael followed Donatello down the dark sewers, enjoying the sense of home. Not once in his life had he ever thought he would miss the bacteria infested sewers as much as he did right now. He smiled, ignoring the slight stings from his still healing cuts as he enjoyed looking around, memories flooding in. Most of Michelangelo. His heart longed for his young companion for he had only seen a glimpse of him recently. These strange habits that Mikey has recently picked up were making Raphael worry. He was shocked to hear that Michelangelo had killed, but more shocked that he killed Hun. Now, Hun was a big man and after his mutation he was only bigger and stronger. Raph couldn't lie when he said that Mikey was not the strongest and allowed his mind to wonder. To hear he was focused and lethal was impressive but at the same time scary.  
Raph shook his head out of his thoughts and use happier ideas instead. The thought of seeing Leo and Sensei was a nice feeling. They made it to the hatch of the lair and Donnie opened it up. He walked inside to see the layer of the his home basically the same. But, the atmosphere felt different, like it was missing something. A light. The light that once flooded his home was missing. Mikey was missing. Raph felt sadness go through him slightly.  
From his corner eyesight he saw movement, a blue and green blur. He stood frozen looking to see his eldest brother standing there, a smile on his face. Raph felt a smile spread from cheek to cheek.  
"Leo." He said breathlessly walking towards his eldest brother. As if reading his mind, Leo started walking towards him till they met in the middle with a heart-warming hug.  
"It's good to see you little brother." Leo mumbled in the crook of Raph's neck, taking not that Raphael grew within the past six months.  
"You have no idea bro." Raph whispered back. Although he and Mikey were closest, he was able to turn to Leo for comfort. When they released their embrace, Raph was taken back by Leo's appearance.  
"Geez Leo ya look terrible." Raph commented, not trying to sound harsh but it was the truth. His eyes were painted with dark circles and it looked as though he was developing wrinkles, aging quicker then expected. Leo huffed slightly, giving a small smirk.  
"Well, these past few months have been tiring." Leo shrugged. Raph observed him for a moment.  
"Mikey?" He asked. Leo looked up at him. His hazel eyes were dimmed lightly. Leo turned to look at Donnie who stood behind Raph. Leo ducked his head and chuckled.  
"Left the talking to me Donnie?" He asked.  
"Didn't think it should be me." Donnie admitted. Raph looked in between them confused.  
"What're you talk'n about?" He asked. Leo took a deep breath.  
"I'll tell you, but I think Master Splinter wants to speak to you first." Raph felt his heart jump. Father. Leo motioned his head towards Splinter's room. Raph followed the movement and felt his body moving towards the room. He stood in front of the sliding doors before taking a deep breath and pushing them open. He was welcomed with a dark room, lit by the scented candles that gave off a smell that reminded him of his childhood. Past the small wooden table sat his father who was meditating it seemed.  
Raph closed the doors as quietly as he could and stepped inside.  
"kneel." His father commanded. He sighed quietly before kneeling in front of his father.  
His father opened his eyes and saw his son before.  
"I am so happy to see you Raphael. I have missed you my son." He said with a smile. Raph's heart warmed up slightly at the sound of his father's voice and how much he missed him.  
"I'm happy to be home father." He said quietly. Splinter observed his missing son for a short time.  
"You seemed troubled my son." he said. Raphael shifted slightly.  
"I guess it's just weird being back. I don't know everything just feels...different. Like, somethings missing." Raph commented .  
"Michelangelo." Splinter said.  
"Yea. I guess I'm just worried." Raphael wasn't the best at speaking his feelings and this was tough one to talk about if front of his father.  
"Raphael, it is only normal for you to worry about your mate." Splinter smiled. Raph's eyes were wide.  
"So you really are okay with all of this?" He asked with a little doubt. Splinter nodded.  
"Even though this isn't how I had thought my family would turn out, who am I to deny my sons happiness? Even if it is with each other. I will not lie when I say I was a little skeptical about the idea, but seeing how it influenced Leonardo and Donatello, I knew it was a good choice." Raph bowed his head slightly thinking of Mikey again, hear aching slightly.  
"And I see that Michelangelo had influenced you as well. Even though you two kept it a secret, I could tell that your anger was better controlled and Michelangelo was maturing slightly to impress you." Splinter tried to comfort his hotheaded son in any way he could.  
"But he's not here." Raph whispered, refusing to look at his father. Splinter sighed, placing his ears down from seeing the trouble of his son.  
"Michelangelo is fighting an internal battle with himself and is doing any he can to help himself." Splinter said. Raph's head shot up immediately.  
"Father did he tell you anything? Why he's acting the way he is?" Splinter's face was a solid, blank expression.  
"Unfortunately, he has not spoken a word. Even through meditation I am unable to be any use for him. His walls are up and firm." Splinter said. Raph chuckled slightly.  
"To think Mikey out of all of us has his walls up and going. He was the only one that never had them up." He said that more to himself then his father. "So you don't know anything either huh?" He asked. Splinter pondered the question for a moment.  
"One night, I tried to meditate with him while he slept, but even in deepest of sleep, his walls remained high. I had no access to his mind." Raph's shoulders slumped slightly by the information he was given. "But, the aura that was given off was astonishing to me." Raph flicked his eyes up to Splinter. "In the past few months, Michelangelo has shown anger and frustration. When I meditated with him while he slept, I saw guilt, and shame, and fear. I feel Michelangelo is hiding these pains with anger and rage, something I have never seen him do before." Splinter explained. Raphael processed the information and looked back at his father.  
"Is that why you kicked him out?" The question was sudden and Splinter was taken back slightly.  
"I told Michelangelo if he felt he needed to, he was allowed to leave to find himself, but the doors will always be open for him to return home." Raph thought about it. Thinking Mikey as angry or even irrational was such a rarity it was hard to believe. His sense to protect his mate was strong but he didn't know how to.  
"Master Splinter what should I do? I feel like I really let him down. I feel like I really failed protecting him." Raph felt the lump grow in his throat. Splinter smiled lightly.  
"I feel he thinks the same way you do." Raph became confused.  
"Raphael, your first instinct is to protect. And Michelangelo knows this. But when you two disappeared and you were helpless, Michelangelo equal felt he could not protect you. Even though you two are now together, you must never forget the fact that Michelangelo is ninja just as you and your brothers. Feeling powerless is a burden on him as well." Silence filled the air for a moment. Raph blinked a few tears away, never truly thinking of Mikey felt seeing Raph go down the way he did that night.  
"Why are you telling me this Master?" He asked in a small voice. For a moment, he did not respond, looking at the distress on Raphael's face.  
"I am telling you this because I feel once you see him you will understand better his situation. You can help him find his way." Splinter stood up and moved to his side, placing his paw on Raphael's shoulder.  
"This will be hard Raphael. Leonardo tried his best but it is you who must take control of this wild situation." Splinter finished walking to his door. Raphael sat there for a few minutes. The thought of Leo came to mind. He knew he had to talk to him.  
Leo was focused on the television, watching as the news continued on about useless information from the recent dog show to a cooking special. About to turn it off, the signaling red flag came on the screen.

  
_Breaking News: Police have arrived to an abandoned warehouse of 35th and central after the complaints of rapid gun-fire, North-West of the coast. Inside they found over twenty bodies. Police say that these men were all part of the notorious gang The Purple Dragons. Inside the warehouse was found thousands of dollars worth of Marijuana and other narcotics. The shooter was unidentified but the police can only guess it was the mysterious vigilante nicknamed "The Green Goblin." Man dressed in a green outfit and goes into the Purple Dragon strongholds and slaughtering each and everyone of the gang members. Police say this is still an open case and is looking for any tips for the whereabouts for this city killer. Although, recent polls have been proven to be controversial. Half of the city says to bring this man to justice while the other half says...he is the justice. Stay tuned for more information-"_

  
"You know watching that is just gonna make you go stir crazy." A voice behind him spoke. Leo quickly turned the television off and looked at Donnie who was leaning against the couch. Leo smiled lightly.  
"Only way to really keep tabs on him. He's on the news more then ever now." Leo slurred lightly. Donnie slid down next to, resting his head on his shoulder. Leo brought his hand up, caressing the side of his face lightly.  
"Well, Raph's home so hopefully things will start to change." Donnie sighed moving slightly closer to the tense body next to him. Leo's eyes were fixated on the blank television screen.  
"He won't come back as long as I'm here and you know that." Leo brought his hand back down. "He asked you to stay the night again?" Donnie swore he heard a low growl coming from his lover.  
"Of course he did, but it doesn't matter." Donnie sat back up, trying to look at his lover.  
"Raph's home and that's all that matters." Donnie tried to explain. Leo looked at him.  
"You didn't tell him did you?" Donnie stiffened lightly turning his head away.  
"I didn't think it's that important Leo. He's home that's all that we should be caring about."  
"He deserves to know." Leo snapped.  
"Tell me what?" Said a ruff voice. Both turned his head to see Raphael standing next to their father. Leo stood up and moved away from the couch and up the stairs to Raphael. He glanced at his father before looking at his younger brother.  
"Let's go for a walk." tugging on Raph's shoulder, he lead him out of lair, getting glances from Donnie and Splinter.  
Walking down the sewer seemed colder and a little more distant walking with Leonardo. Raph knew he didn't have to beat around the bush with Leo. He knew what he wanted and so did he.  
"What happened to Mikey?" He asked breaking the silence between them. Leo stopped suddenly, keeping his eyes down-cast at the ground.  
"I don't know." He looked up at Raph, "I was hoping you would tell me." Raph recognized that look. It was an accusing look. He felt himself tense for defense.  
"No, that's why I'm asking." he replied with a little spite. Leo couldn't help but to smirk, remembering the quarrels he and Raph shared when everything was normal.  
"Ya know Leo, Donnie and Master Splinter are basically leading me to you for answers. What am I not being told?" Raph barked. He didn't think they understood how worried he was about his mate, his well being, mentally and physically. Leo stood there for a moment, kicking a rock to the side.  
"What did Donnie tell you?" He asked. Raph through his hands up to the sides before letting them drop.  
"He came back torn up and with a bad attitude. That's all I got." Leo chuckled.  
"That about sums it up." Leo stated. Raph looked at him with disbelief. They stared at each other for a few minutes.  
"What aren't you telling me?" He asked in a harsh whisper. Leo cocked his head. Raph being this close to his brothers face can see the exhaustion bright as day.  
"What do you want to know?" He asked raising to the challenge.  
"Everything." Leo nodded in understanding and looked away taking a breath.  
"When Mikey came back he was a wreck. He was scared, frail almost and I was so worried. One night I was worried because I didn't hear anything coming from his room. I go in and he was gone." Leo stopped for a minute and took a shaky breath.  
"Donnie tracked him to find he was on top of the empire state building, with a gun to his head." He looked back at Raph. "He was going to kill himself." Raph bit his lip, not knowing how to respond to that. Guilt was coiled deep in his stomach. Why would Mikey do that? Leo started to talk again.  
"I stopped him, it was the only thing I could do. Mikey screamed at my face saying I had no right to choose for him!" Leo began to raise his voice and all Raph could do was let him. "You know he doesn't talk to me anymore? He is so angry with me because I saved his life he doesn't even look at me." Leo turned away. "Next thing I knew, he had his stuff packed up and he was gone." The awkward silence returned once more but Raph didn't know how to rid of it. More was going on with Michelangelo then he was being lead to believe. He saw the pain on Leo's face, seeing your baby brother wanting to end your life, hearing your mate wanted to end his life was hard enough.  
"Look, Leo I'm-" He was cut off.  
"It's okay Raph, I'm just...I guess I am so lost on what I'm suppose to do." The look in his eyes was enough to show Raph the worry. Mikey was his mate but he forgets that he is also Leo's little brother.  
"Look Leo, I know I haven't been here. I've been locked up a cellar for the past six months worrying day and night about how Mikey was. To know he's alive makes me happy but to know he is worrying everyone is making me worry more. This isn't Mikey and I promise i'll give it my all to turn him around." Raph pledged. Leo smiled knowing that Raph will be a huge help trying to get through Michelangelo. But, at the same time he worried. He hasn't seen Mikey yet and feared Raphael wouldn't be able to handle his new blown out personality.  
"Is there anything else I should know?" He asked suddenly. Leo debated it. Should he tell Raph of the nights that Donnie spent with Mikey when he asked? Even if Donnie claimed what happened at Mikey's apartment was never anything more then sharing a bed, the Jealousy that he felt was strong and clouded his judgment. He loved Donatello to pieces and trusted him but it still didn't stop the jealous feeling he would get. But, Donnie was right, right now it wasn't the time to introduce that piece of information because if Leo knew better, is that Raphael jealousy was worse then his.  
"No." He said. Raph watched him, seeing if he was lying but knew Leo's face was a poker made one.  
"Look, your back and that's all that counts." He placed his hand on Raph's shoulder. "Why don't we go for a run topside?" He suggested. Suddenly, Raph's features brighten up at the thought of the outside world. Maybe for a few minutes he could just let go,  
"I'd like that." He smirked. Leo smiled back before they both dashed down the sewers at a high speed sprint.


	5. Run In

Run In . . . . .

The night was cool and refreshing. Although the cuts still stung and his muscles still ached, Raphael couldn't stop himself from running across the building tops at the fastest speed he could muster. Being trapped in such a small space for such a long period of time with no room to run was exhausting. To be out, to be free in the night was good, but not perfect. Raphael stopped, huffing roughly as he looked around and remembered this roof. This was the finishing point for him and Mikey's races. His brain went through all of the memories of being on this roof.

All the taunts from him, all the times he would pout because he lost. All the love they made. Some of the most tenderness moments they ever had where on this rooftop. As strange as it may have sounded, Raphael thought this was one of the most romantic places he had ever spent with his little brother. Not because of the roughness of the ground, or their loud and ungodly surroundings, but that it was just him and Mikey. It was just the two of them that enjoyed their company together. It scared Raph to think that the Mikey he loved so much could change. He didn't think he could handle it. Taking a deep breath, he kept his head up high, keeping a positive attitude that once he and Mikey talked and took the time to understand, and then maybe something could work. Raphael was quickly knocked out of his thoughts when he saw his older brother standing next to him. Leo looked at him and smiled. Raph watched Leo closely. Seeing his change in character and form. He looked as though he had aged by a decade and was very timid for some reason, as if he was scared of something. Raph gave a half smirk back before looking back at the floor. Leo tilted his head.

"You feeling okay Raph?" he asked. He flicked his eyes up and him and sighed.

"Ya I'm fine. Just a lot of memories com'in back to me." He admitted. Leo nodded in understanding but stayed silent.

"Leo what did Mikey do to make you so angry at him?" Raph asked suddenly. Leo refused to look at him.

"I'm not mad at him." He said. "Don't bullshit me Leo. I ain't stupid." Raph snapped. Leo continued to stand there, arms crossed in front of him.

"I'm not mad at him. I'm disappointed." He said quietly. Curious, Raph looked over at Leo.

"How can ya be disappointed in a kid who was probably put through hell?" He asked. Leo gave him a side look.

"Let's just say jealousy is the worst weapon to use against you." He turned back facing forward. Raph was about to respond till they heard a large clang and what sounded like a yelp. Raph was first to respond and ran towards the alley that the noise came from. "Raph wait!" Leo hissed but Raph was already out of range. Growling, he followed his brother towards the sound. Raph approached the alley with caution, sticking to high ground on the rooftops. He looked down and saw two purple dragon members and another man with a large black coat. Raph squinted, trying to get a better look at the figure but his attention was also drawn what he was doing to the gang members. One was up against the wall, dagger in his skull and throat that was slit. Raph was taken back by the corps and the way he died. His eyes were wide and hollow.

He hated the Purple Dragons yes, but he didn't think he could muster up the ability to murder just street rats like these ones, even if they did keep him prisoner, the only one he would even consider would be Hun but from what Raph was concerned, he wasn't available. His attention was drawn to the man in the coat and the other Purple Dragon. He had him held by the shirt as the Dragon was on his knees. Over and over again the man brought his fist up and brought it back down onto the face of the gang member. Raph watched as the blood splattered over the crisped, white snow, staining it with the taste of sin.

He watched at the Dragon's head rolled back, obviously unconscious but that wasn't enough for the man. He pulled out a small knife and aimed it toward the crown of his head. Raph eyes widen and saw what the man was about to do and as if on instinct, jumped off the roof and landed directly behind the man. He grabbed under his arms and pulled him away from the unconscious gang member. He fought against the man as he struggled out of Raph's hold. Raph felt his muscles going against him, demanding him to stop fighting but he couldn't let this guy go. Suddenly, He felt the body push up, making him lean back from the extra weight. He felt the man's hand grabbed the lip of his shell and held it tight. Raph froze for a moment, recognizing this move. Before he could counter, He felt his own body lift from the air and was thrown over the man's shoulder.

Raph went down hard into the snow, feeling the cold feeling against his bare skin. He opened his eyes and saw the knife, centimeters away from his face. He watched the man above him, blue eyes looking down at him. One so vibrant, fearful. The other, dimmed and faded with a scar peeking out under the orange bandana. Raph watched as he was shaking terribly, letting the knife tumble over, burying itself in the snow. For a moment, they just stared at each other. Raphael was confused about his expression. He looked so scared, terrified to better put it. His heart, his love was looking at him with terror. Why?

"Mikey…" He whispered. He watched as Mikey visibly shook. He started to back up away, falling to his butt, still staring at Raph. Raph turned around till his was on his hands and knees looking at Mikey. Mikey crawled back a foot or two, getting ready to stand up.

"Wait Mikey hold on!" Raph got up quickly got up and reached out for Mikey. What he didn't think through was that he had another knife and quickly swiped it across Raph's arm in a clean slice. Raph growled as he retracted back, holding tight to his cut arm. It wasn't deep but it still stung terribly. He looked up to see Mikey looking at him, fear edged in his face.

"Stay away." He told him. Raph stood up, still panting from the pain in his arm. Anger went through his veins.

"Mikey what the fuck do ya think your doin'?" he growled stepping closer to him. Mikey brought out a pair of nunchuck out from his belt and held them out. Raph took note of his weapon. Instead of the wooden chucks, they were pure steal. They were thinner then his other pair and had dents indented in them, obviously have been used multiple times.

"Leave." Mikey threatened through a shaky voice. Raph was in disbelief. He was confused on why he was doing this, treating him the way he was.

"Mikey are ya crazy! Don't you recognize me?" He asked in a frantic need for answers. Before Mikey could even come up with an answer, a figure dropped in between them. Leo stood there, facing Mikey with a blank expression. Raph watched as Mikey's expression went from shocked to cold. They stared at each other, tension filling the area. Leo moved back slightly, putting an arm around Raph to help steady him.

"We're leaving." He told Mikey. For a moment, Michelangelo didn't say anything, just stood there and gave a glare at Leonardo before nodding and turning away.

"Mikey!" Raph called but Leo nudged him to stop. With a glare his way, gave Mikey enough time to disappear into the dark, icy night. Leo let Raph go and allowed him to stand up on his own. Raph stood there, shocked and unable to believe what had just happened. Mikey is afraid of him, to the point he shook being by him. But why? He looked back at Leo and growled before heading back up the fire escape to the roof. Once Leo made his way up, he was roughly shoved across the roof. He tumbled but quickly got his footing and looked at the anger engulfed Raph looking back at him.

"What the hell was that Leo? Why the hell did you let him go!" He hollered. Leo tensed but stood his ground.

"Look I know he's been throw'n a pissy fit recently but that don't mean he gets ta run around and kill people Leo! That's not what we do!" He screamed.

"You don't think I know that." Leo growled but kept quiet.

"Then why the hell are ya letting him then!" "I can't stop him Raph!" Leo yelled back. "You're his leader Leo! Or did you forget that when he started pushing your buttons." Raph challenged, knowing if he did he will get a rise out of Leo and an actual answer towards his and Mikey's actions.

"I know what I'm doing Raphael, don't question me and my motives." Leo growled.

"Ya aint doing shit Leo that's what I'm seeing. He's running over you like you're a damn street. Since when did you become so weak when someone is questioning your authority?" Raph hissed.

"You don't understand anything Raph!" Leo yelled turning away from his brother, trying to control himself.

"What don't I understand Leo? You have been dancing around me with fucking riddles and pieces of information. Why are you so afraid Leo! What the hell made you so afraid of Mikey!" He yelled. Suddenly Leo turned his body around.

"I can't loose him again Raph!" He hollared, echoing through out the air. Raph stayed frozen in spot, looking at his older brother, seeing the tears threatening to poor. Raph got him to crack. "You don't think I stay up every god damn night hoping that Mikey won't get himself killed? Or harm himself?" He yelled. He closed his eyes and took a breath before letting out a sad chuckle.

"You know he blames me? He blames me for him trying to kill himself?" He asked Raph, allowing him to process what he just told him. "He shut me out Raph! When he came home he didn't even look at me! Out of all of you, Mikey always came to me when he felt he was in trouble but instead he blamed me and tried to take his own life. I failed as his leader and his brother! That is the first time in weeks he even looked at me!" He yelled. Raph couldn't move. Seeing the raw emotion flooding from Leo was a rare sight to see, and seeing it now he wished he didn't.

"I let him go on his own because that way I can still know where he is, I know what he's doing. The second I step in, he will take off and I will never see him again! I almost lost him once Raph and I'm not gonna risk loosing him again. So don't question me on what I'm doing with him. I'm doing the best I can with the hand I have!" Leo was left panting, wiping the tears that fell down his face. Never once had Raphael ever seen Leo loose his temper, let alone cry in public.

"Leo…I'm sorry I just-" He was cut off when Leo brought up his hand. He shook his head and walked past him.

"Let's go home." He croaked out as he jumped down from the roof. Raph stood there for a minute more, removing the hand that had covered the wound on his arm, seeing the blood painted neatly around his hand, like finger paint. He saw that the wound was starting to heal. Raph came to terms that Mikey wasn't trying to kill him but just scare him away. His heart clenched with betrayal. How Mikey could hurt him like that, scare him like that, it was unbelievable. He looked up to the dark sky, not a star in sight. He sighed before jumping down after Leo, understanding this was going to be harder then he thought.

* * *

 

Mikey lent against the wall of an old church, breathing heavily trying to control his racing heart. He felt the bile push past his throat and out his mouth. He gagged for a few minutes before setting himself up and looked up at the old church. He just sat there and stared at the angel that hung in front of the building, as if trying to fly away from the world, to somewhere with lights and lakes and flowers. Trying to fly away to somewhere worth living. He bit his lip and walked inside the abandoned building. He walked through the rotted wooden floor, and the creaking walls. He walked up to the broken, wasted statue of Jesus on the cross. He stood right under him, looking up at the statue to see him looking down at him, smiling. Mikey clenched his fists, anger searing him looking up at this man who was to protect all that lives.

"Why…" He seared through his teeth. "Why are you doing this to me?" He screamed. He didn't get a reply, but he kept staring down at him.

"What do you want from me!" He yelled again. He hated the way the statue looked at him. It looked at him with love, with respect and care. He didn't deserve that, he didn't want it. He pulled out his knife and ran up to the statue and jabbed the blade into the feet of the statue. He stayed there, holding the hilt of the knife tightly, causing the leather of his gloves to squeak. He stood there, slightly slumped against the statue and heaved his breath. "What do you want from me?" He cried with a broken sob that was only heard between him and the one he called savior.


	6. Mistakes

MIstakes

.

.

Raphael laid on his hammock, swinging lightly as he was between a light slumber and consciousness. His mind lost within itself from emotional exhaustion. The past couple of days have been harder then expected to be. Leonardo started to retrain him after most of his wounds were healed, pushing his body to it's limits. But that wasn't why Raph was so tired. His heart was aching terribly of the thought of his mate who at this time was Missing In Action. The fear in Mikey's eyes when he last saw him made Raph want to run up and wrap him in his strong arms and hide away from the threat that was making him so jittery but knew that somehow Raph was the cause. Every time Raph tried to leave to find Michelangelo, Leonardo was on him and stopped him before he could even make it to the front door.

Now, he was lying there, trying to stay focused on staying awake but his body was saying other wise. He felt a shift around him, like another body coming into his space. Raph didn't even open his eyes, too tired to attempt to but swore he felt a presence above him. He knew this presence. His hammock could only hold one other body and it was one he loved dearly. He could have sworn he felt the all too missed lips pressing lightly against his neck, peppering small kisses, marking him. Raph groaned, shifting lightly but felt nothing, gaining what he could have sworn was a small laugh, a laugh he missed so much. He felt the fluttering hands go down his sides, petting him in a way. The warm palm resting on his pocket that hid away his masculinity away from view. Raph moaned, motioning his hips forward, persisting that the ministrations be continued.

"You like that Raphie?" He asked so quietly, echoing throughout the room, to innocently it made Raph's head cloud. He stretched out lightly as he felt the pressure on his lower regions growing, feeling the body above him grinding lightly against him but no actual pressure, like a ghost.

"Fuck..Mike.." Raph couldn't think of the words to say, eyes still closed and body being stimulated the way it was. He felt the flat tongue wipe across the bottom of his jaw line.

"You'll love this even more." He whispered. Raph felt the presence of his lover move away from his body completely. He cracked his eyes opened to look up to see Mikey leaning over him with the large dark coat on and the half-blinded eye looking down at him. Raph instantly tensed looking at him, as if not even recognizing him. All he could see was the cold expression, the lifeless expression that he feared to ever see.

"I told you to stay away." He said in a low voice. Raph watched as he pulled a knife out from behind himself, bringing it up till it was perfectly aligned with Raph's forehead.

"Wait Mikey _wait_!" He yelled but it was too late. He watched as Mikey plunged the knife down.

Raph yelped as he sat straight up in his hammock, panting, sweating heavily looking out into nothingness. His eyes roamed around his room to see he was completely alone. He sighed and shut his eyes. It was a dream. Only a dream. He opened his eyes again and looked down at his hands. It felt so real, as if he was really there. He remembered he had multiple dreams similar to that when he was held captive, ending with ecstasy, sometimes making a mess of himself in the morning when he would wake up. But now, he was more then happy that he woke up when he did. He knew that Mikey would never kill him, no matter how angry the kid might have been. But, that still didn't ease his nerves when it came to the solemn fact that he was here and Mikey was out there, possibly killing anything that moved.

He remembered looking at his love, seeing the fear and pain hidden away behind his good eye, but stood out clear as day from the injured one. He wanted to help his little brother more then anything, make the scary goblins in his head disappear. But Raph knew he couldn't do that until he came up with some kind of plan to get Mikey to talk, make Raph better understand the situation that he was left to.

With slight hesitation, he swung his legs over and stepped out of his warm hammock and made his way to the door. When he opened it, he was greeted with an empty living room. He looked and saw that the door to Don's lab was closed, assuming he was there. He heard slight grunting coming from the Dojo and knew that Leo was practicing. Raph walked straight to the kitchen, looking for something to eat at the early hours of morning. He dug in the fridge and pulled out the milk and went over to the cupboard and took out a box of cereal before seating himself at the table. As he sat and ate his breakfast in relative silence, he referred back to a time when he and Mikey were left home alone for a few hours and made love on that very table. Raph smiled at the memory, the exciting feeling they got when they explored different positions in different areas, making sure to stay under the radar as best as possible. His heart sunk a little though at the same time, missing his hyperactive brother even more. Not just as his mate but his presence in general.

Being trapped in the hands of the Dragons for such a long time was hard, especially when he had no one to give him light in his life. But he had hoped coming home with something more then a few untold secrets and a very angry mate. Raph couldn't lie to himself when seeing Mikey was angry as he was wasn't frightening to see. He wondered if maybe that's how everyone looked at him when he was angry.

Raphael heard footsteps coming his way and saw his master coming in the kitchen with a cup of tea in hand. He sat in the chair opposite of Raph and took a sip of the liquid in his cup.

"Good morning my son, I hope you slept relatively well?" He asked. Raph shrugged, placing his spoon down as if losing all apatite of thinking of his dream.

"Are you fearful of Michelangelo's safety?" he asked. Raph looked up to his father, seeing the concern on his face. He nodded in response. Master Splinter took a breath.

"Maybe he will call for Donatello soon enough, then we will get word on his well being." He took another sip of his tea. Raph cocked his head to the side.

"Why would he call Don?" He asked. He looked up at Raphael in surprise.

"Oh well Donatello will spend the night sometimes with him to keep him company. It helps greatly to keep an eye out for him to know he isn't in any danger." He explained. Raph sat there for a moment and he couldn't help but to recall back to what Leo had told him the night they went out for a run. Something about Jealousy is a weapon. He eyed the door to the lab that was housing his older brother and stood up slowly. Splinter watched him closely, taking note of his muscles and how they began to tense and his striding as he walked toward the door.

"Donnie!" Raph yelled. The sound of anger laced in between each of the letters. Leonardo stepped out from the Dojo and watched as Raph marched towards the lab.

Donnie jumped when Raph slammed the door open, looming over his brother. Raph didn't fully understand where this immediate anger was coming from but it was burning deeply, he couldn't find a way to stop it.

"Why the hell are ya staying over with Mikey for?" He growled. He watched the expression on Donnie's face change. He was caught. Donnie slowly stood up and put his hands up in a submissive gesture.

"Raph, you need to calm down." He said slowly, making sure there was a table in between them. Raph knew that was his answer and pounced. He was about to jump over the table till he felt a body pushing him back. He growled as he saw Leo shoving him backwards, managing to push the table out of the way so the only thing standing in between Don and Raph was Leo.

"You Fuck'in him? Is that what it is!" He shouted. He was seeing red for some reason, the even thought of someone touching what was his was indescribable.

"I'm not doing anything with Mikey!" Donnie yelled back.

"Yer a damn Liar!" He hollered, trying to maneuver around Leonardo but was unsuccessful. He froze momentarily when he heard a threatening growl. He saw Leo looking at him with fury in his eyes. Raphael was so caught up in own feeling of protecting of Mikey that he completely forgot that he was threatening Leo's mate. Raph got his sense together to understand if he pursued with his aggressive behavior with Don, he would have to deal with a very protective Leo.

He looked back up to see Donnie looking at him with irritation. Raph took a breath and set aside his jealous feeling for a moment.

"Are ya screw'in him?" He asked simply, eyes still filled with anger and Donnie wasn't naïve when he saw that little spark in his eyes.

"Mikey asks me sometimes to come over and spend the night. I sleep on the couch and nothing more." He said coldly. Raph could see there was a deeper irritation behind those brown eyes. He walked over by him and Leo and stood between them and looked between them.

"Mikey's my brother and nothing more." His eyes locked with Leo for a brief moment before continuing out of the room. Raph looked up to see the shame on Leo's face, understanding there was something he was missing. Leo and Raph stood there for a minute more, allowing the silence to fill the room.

"Look Leo I didn't mean for that to happen. I guess I just don't understand why Mikey needs Donnie over there if they aint doin' nothin'." Raph explained. Leo gave a dry laugh but didn't even smirk.

"Yea, neither do I." He said quietly before walking out the room in pursuit of Donatello. The look on Leo's face was direct jealously. Raph was starting to put the pieces together, understanding Leo's words from the other night. Leo was angry that Mikey would take Donnie away some nights. Don is too nice to say no and Leo knows that. His jealously is what is clouding his judgment with Michelangelo and Raphael came to the conclusion that maybe Leo wasn't disappointed in Mikey but in himself. Raph rubbed the back of his neck and growled out of frustration. This entire situation became such a mess, something bigger then he expected. Raph was determined to fix this, and win Michelangelo back no matter what it took.

 

* * *

 

Mikey walked down the street, wearing a black jacket with jeans and boot and a black scarf over his face, giving him more freedom to walk down the streets without attracting any attention. He stopped in front of a loud busting night club. The sound the bass from the DJ was echoing through the doors. For a moment, he thought of a time that he tried to convince Raph to go to a party like this with him, just for fun. Raph didn't want to risk it and he understood. It also didn't matter anymore anyways. He wanted Raphael more then anything right now, but his stubbornness wouldn't have it. He deserved so much better. Raph was worth so much more then he was.

He shook the head of his ex-lover out of his head but it still lingered. He had a task and he was willing to finish through with it. Feeling his side, he felt the gun and stepped forward and opened the door, being introduced to bright flashing lights and so many people it was hard to believe there was enough room to move. He walked through the globs of humans, making it to the back. He was welcomed with women dressed with lingerie and spunky outfits, offering some small sexual offers and extravagant adventures in the back room. Mikey involuntary shivered, feeling their thin fingers dragging down his arms, trying to incise him in a way. He shrugged them off and continued to look around for his goal. He found him sitting in the corner booth with a woman in his lap and another leaning on his shoulder. His large Purple Dragon tattoo on his face stood out so vividly in was making Mikey's blood boil.

He walked over to the booth and stood over the man known as Dragon Face. Dragon Face Stopped his socializing and looked up and the figure who was looming over him.

"Can I help you?" He asked, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. Mikey glanced down at the neatly packed powder that was put in perfect little lines and a razor. He looked back at Dragon Face.

"Just wondering if you were willing to share." He asked. Dragon Face looked at him and recognized the dimmed out light of Mikey's eye.

"Awe so baby turtle wants to get a little high does he?" He asked, shooing away the women so it was just him and Mikey in the back. Mikey took the chair next to Dragon Face and took the razor in hand, playing around the cocaine. Although in a way he was tempted, he knew it would screw up his plan so he held off his temptation. Mikey watched as Dragon Face pulled out a gun and placed it on the table, reminding Mikey he was a threat if he tried to do anything.

"So you came in here and thought you could cause some trouble? You already took out half of my men, not to sure what else you want." Mikey pondered over the question for a minute, what did he want? He wanted his life back. He wanted to smile again and laugh and play. He wanted Raphael. His grip tightened on razor.

"I want your head on a platter." Mikey growled. Dragon Face laughed at the threat.

"Please, you out of all of them don't scare me. Even if you have gone around and killing every one of my men, I think a bunny is scarier then you." Mikey mused over the comment, couldn't help but to think of Usagi.

"Although you were a lot of fun though. I'm not gonna lie when I say I was a little sad when Hun let you go. I was just getting started with you." He almost purred. Mikey made no notion in considering his taunts but continued to play with the drug. Dragon Face noticed this and made another tactic. He watched as Dragon face reached to touch his face and quickly knocked his hand out of the way. Dragon Faced smiled. “Out of every bitch I have fucked, you were my favorite.” Michelangelo refused to motion his tactics. When Dragon Face noticed Mikey was not going to respond, he leaned back in his seat and laughed. 

"But the other was quite entertaining." He spoke. Mikey stopped and flicked his eyes towards the gang member.

"You didn't even touch him." Mikey spoke evenly.

"Oh but we did. Almost every night. You will be so surprise how submissive people can be with a few heavy drugs in there system." He stopped for a moment. "You should know better then me how it feels to be high as a kite." He taunted. Mikey just stared at him, before bringing up the razor and slicing it across Dragon Face's throat. He was able to push the gun over the table so he couldn't reach for it. He watched as Dragon Face moved his hands in a frenzy over the table, trying to find support as the blood pooled down his throat, painting it bright crimson and staining with white dress shirt. Mikey stood up and walked away listening to the sound of the gurgling from Dragon Face.

Mikey didn't get too far as he was stopped by a couple of Purple Dragons.

"Aye! What did ya do to tha' boss?" One asked stupidly. Mikey didn't even give them the time to raise their weapons at him before he brought out his gun and one by one, shot each and everyone of them in the head. He watched as there bodies fell to the floor like used meat. He looked around and watched as people began to scream in terror and run out of the building, leaving him alone with the dead bodies and the sound of the blazing noise of the music.

Mikey walked over to the bar and shot at the bottles, watching as each crashed down to the floor, leaving a pool of alcohol on the wooden floor. He put the gun back in the holder and pulled out a matchbox and brought out one single match. He flicked it on the side of the box and watched as the flame came alive on the stick. He pulled out a cigarette from his front pocket and lit it up before flicking the flamed stick in the spilled drinks. The flame quickly engulfed the bar and the flame quickly became alive. Mikey turned and walked towards the front, walking over the dead bodies, making sure not to step in the pools of blood that were next to the bodies.

When he made it outside, he saw the street was quickly filling with curious people. He quickly walked towards the closest alley and made it up to the fire escape to the roof. He looked down and watched as the building was devoured by the flame. The flames sparkled and danced in Mikey's irises. Even though he knew that Dragon Face was gone, he still didn't feel he accomplished anything, like he did every time he killed a Purple Dragon. There was an empty filling every time he took a life. He sighed before turning on his heel and taking off toward his apartment, to sleep alone and deal with his haunting thoughts by himself once more.

* * *

 

**A/N: Please Review and tell me how I am doing with this and I hope you all are liking it :)**


	7. Performance

Raphael sat on the end of a fire escape, holding out a cigarette, taking a drag of it every so often, eyes fixated on the television in the apartment below. He was close enough to be able to hear the mummering of the picture box showing the local news at full swing. Raph needed to leave the lair for a while. After the outburst with Don, he couldn't find himself to wonder in his own home without feeling the sense of guilt that what ever was happening between Leonardo and Donatello, the problems at least were the cause of Michelangelo.

Raphael felt sick when he thought of Mikey. He missed him so much, even more then the time they spent apart in the hands of the Purple Dragons. This felt as if it could actually kill him not knowing what was going on in Mikey's head. It hurt so much. Raph pondered over his time with Hun and his gang members, trying to think of something that could help.

He growled when all he could come up with was the same thing. Hun would come to his cell, drag him by the neck with his hands securely tied behind his back. He would beat him, beat him hard to which is understandable for him to be so cruel towards him. In technical thought, it was Raphael's fault for his mutation for he was the last thing Hun touched before the mutagen got on Hun. Raph smiled at the irony of Hun turning into the one thing he despised the most. But, at the same time he always knew that Hun had a personal vendetta against him. It was unspoken but he saw it in Hun's eyes when they would fight. His aim was always directed towards him or Casey.

He shook that thought away, going back to the original reason why he was thinking back so far in time for. Did Hun ever say anything? The other Dragons maybe? No. They were all eerie silent, except for the crackling of their laughter as they beat him. Raph sighed, wishing he had something to go off. The sudden urgent news logo came on the television and the humans turned it up slightly.

_"Breaking News: Local night club was burnt to the ground by some freak accident after the visit of the fan favorite, the Green Goblin._ " The woman started. Raph shifted closer, flicking the fag over the side of the railing, watching the light at the end of the stick go out before even hitting the snow below. Paying attention to the woman on the telly, she continued,

_"From what witnesses have said, the man known as Dragon Face was at this establishment at the time of the attack. The Green Goblin killed he and the other members of the Dragon's treacherous gang but aloud everyone else to leave before burning the place to the ground. Police have not released any new information but has warned the public to be fearful from the crazed killer."_  She finished with her name and directing the newscast back to the anchors. Raph sat there with wide eyes. This"Goblin" was Mikey. This was a piece of information he needed for use. He was killing Purple Dragons, Just, Purple Dragons and allowing the innocent to leave. Mikey was still in there, behind the black coat and terrible attitude was his Michelangelo.

"Like his pet name?" A voice asked, making Raphael jump, reaching instinctively for his Sai but quickly retracted his action as he saw it was Donatello, crouching right above him. Raph huffed as Donnie landed next to him before taking a seat on the cold metal, hanging his arms over the railing, resting his head on the inside of his arm.

"Who named him that? He did?" Raph asked. Donnie shook his head.

"Nope, the news did. You know how comical the local news can be." Donnie said with a smile. Raph laughed at that, genuinely surprised it wasn't Mikey who named himself that. He thought back to when he was known as the Nightwatcher, thinking how stupid the name was at first but soon enough it grew on him, making it his second identity under-wraps. Looking over to his brother, seeing him lost in thought almost, looking up in the dim sky, searching for something in a way. Raphael was always so amazed by Donnie's intellect, how he lost himself sometimes trying to organize everything that was bundled in his mind.

Raph twisted his head lightly to the side, eyes saddening lightly. Donnie quickly took note of Raphael's change in character.

"What's bothering you Raph?" he asked. Raph looked up at his brother, seeing how strong his chocolate eyes were, so different from Leo's or his father. Raph smirked for a moment.

"I guess I should apologize." Raph muttered. Don shrugged his shoulders.

"No need. I missed your random outbursts of anger. Besides, I should of told you about that sooner. I guess in a way you had the right to be mad." Donnie said. Raph narrowed his eyes.

"Ya're right, I did have the right to be angry about that. I'm apologizing for Mikey." He explained. Donnie looked taken back by the response. Raph sighed, seeing the confusion of Donatello's face.

"Look I don't know what happened to Mikey, I wish I did. But that bastard Hun made damn sure he and I were separated, and never told me a thing whether Mikey was okay." Raph took a breath, regretting never being able to charge out of his hold and find his mate himself.

"I'm apologizing for Mikey because whatever happened to him made his be this jack ass of a turtle. It's because I couldn't protect him." Raph began to fade out in the last part. Donnie huffed, causing his body to rise the fall.

"Let me ask you Raph, how were you captured?" He asked. Raph thought for a moment.

"They drugged me." He replied. Donnie nodded.

"Where did they have you?" Another pause.

"In some cell."

"Anyway you could have broken out?" Raph recalled being in the stone room with metal bars.

"Unless I turned as tiny as a mouse and fit through the cracks. I'm not understanding what's with all the questions?" Raph sat up, leaning back on his palms.

"I'm trying to show you that in no way shape or form you could have done something. Raph, Hun caught you and Mikey, and kept you down. At the end you just have to accept that shit just happens and sometimes things are just not in your control." Don said bluntly, leaving Raph with a hanging jaw.

"Wow Don, know how to make a guy feel better." Raph snorted out before facing forward watching the television that was turned to some shopping channel.

"I'm being realistic with you Raph. If some amazing chance came through and you got out of that cell, how would it have worked out for you against Hun and his gang? What ever happened with Mikey, it happened. There is no way to turn it around and make it better. Right now Raph, you need to get your own head on straight and do what you can to help Mikey now. This is your chance to prove you can protect him, by protecting him from himself." Donnie's face crushed into a serious look, glaring at his brother, trying to make him understand that this was beyond his power to change. Raph lifted his lip lightly, chuckling from the surprising response.

"That actually made me feel a little better. Ya always gotta be right huh Don?" Raph said with a smile. Don smiled sheepishly. Raph scratched the back of his head.

"I guess I should apologize because he seemed to be in between you and Leo." Raph admitted without looking at Don. For moment Don was stilled. He brought his hand up and covered his mouth, beginning to chuckle, laughing more at it. Raph sat back, confused on the sudden reaction coming from his intelligent brother.

Donnie looked up at Raphael, and smirked.

"Trust me, Mikey didn't do anything to cause any problems between me and Leo." He continued to smile, and genuine smile, something that Raphael missed seeing on a certain turtle.

"Then why were ya giving him the stink eye earlier?" Raph asked. Donnie turned his head.

"He's a lot like you. He has a tendency of jumping to conclusions when he isn't in control. Every time that Mikey calls for me, asking me to come over, the angrier that Leo gets. And it's not just because Mikey is 'stealing me away" He quoted in the air. "But more he's mad because Mikey doesn't talk to him. So yea Leo gets a little sour sometimes but trust me, its not because Mikey's doing anything on purpose, just Leo gets jealous." When Don finished. Raph stared for a moment, processing all that he was told. He couldn't stop the question that bubbled up through his throat.

"Why do you go to him Don?" The silence was filling the area, only the noise of the wild city was all that was heard between the two for a moment.

"He's lonely Raph. He feels I'm the only one he could trust." He admitted. When Don met Raph's eyes, he saw the hurt laced inside the golden orbs, feeling hurt by the thought that Mikey didn't trust him.

"When Mikey came back, he spent every waking moment trying to find you." Donnie started, looking down at the snow below as it was mushed together with the trash and debris left from the humans.

"But when he slept it was different." Donnie stopped, referring back to the memory of the disoriented sibling that would lay in his bed, fighting against some monster that had him by the throat. He remembered the way he would thrash and shout, begging for mercy, demanding for salvation, pleading for help.

"Mikey acts tough, I know this. But when he puts those walls down, he's scared and alone. He know this. He needs help, he needs guidance. You know this." He looked at Raphael. Raph was always so impressed in the way that Don would go from a gleeful guy, to serious technician in mere seconds.

"I go to him to remind him he's not alone. That he's still my brother and I'll love him no matter what." Donnie finally finished, keeping his walls high and tight, fearing of allowing his emotion to slip too far from his reach to where he would no longer have control. So many times he allowed the walls to crumble and allow only Leonardo to see him at his worst. When his mind didn't have the answer.

Raph sighed. "I just wish he would just tell someone what the hell happened, then maybe we can figure this out." Again, his mind was racing back to the time with Hun. He tried to think intently on the small words he and the beast transferred between each other, the mumbles that never seem to stick. He heard Donnie huff.

"There isn't anything we can do. It's not like we can force it out of him." Donnie rubbed his temples, trying to relax his now stressed body. And at that moment, a light of hope rang through Raphael's mind. Instantly, his features brighten up. He thought back, farther then it wasn't he and Hun but with him and Mikey. A very important moment with their time together was almost forgotten but was now received. He looked at Donnie.

"Maybe we can." Raph instantly stood, looking down at Donatello who remained seated.

"Raph, even your yelling can't make someone talk." Don tried to reason.

"No I won't be doing any yell'n. Just.." He crouched down next to Donnie.

"Look can ya distract Mikey for an hour or so, so I can break inta his apartment?" Raph asked.

"I don't encourage rash behavior like breaking into someones apartment Raph." Donnie protested. Raph scooted a little closer, making Donnie get a better look at his pleading eyes.

"Don, I have an idea. It's a long shot but I think it might work but I need him gone please?" Raph begged. Donnie stared at his brother for a moment longer, seeing the desperation of wanting to help his mate. In a way, Donnie understood that pain to want to help the one he cares for. Everyday he tries to help Leonardo understand he can't control everything that happens but handle with what he has. Raph was feeling the pain of the loss of the once bright young turtle. What could possibly happen?

"Fine. I'll call him up. But you better know what your doing." Donnie sighed but soon yelp feeling Raph wrap his large, meaty arms around his smaller frame, hugging him tightly.

"Thanks Don!" He said before taking off in the direction of Mikey's apartment. With another sigh, Donnie pulled out his phone and dialed Mikey's number, secretly hoping that whatever Raphael had plan would bring his little brother home.

* * *

 

 

Mikey stood at his window, arms crossed over the side, flicking the dry paint from the side of the window pane, watching as it would come undone and fall over the side. Mikey sighed, watching the piece fall. His mind was battling itself, wanting to find peace but was being rudely denied that chance.

He perked his head up at the sound of giggling. He looked down, making sure the light was dim enough so he didn't attract any attention. He watched a woman fumble down the alley with her date in hand.

"W-we gotta wait till he get back to the hotel babe." She slurred, obvious in her voice she was drunk. Mikey watched at with his good eye as the man grabbed the woman and swung her till her back hit the wall, covering her small form with his much larger one.

"But you're so hot now!" He cried, attacking her neck in a hurried movement. Mikey listened to the woman giggle by the drunken affections of her lover, making Mikey sink back into his apartment, sliding down the wall and finally ended up sitting on the floor. He crossed his arms over his knees and buried his head in his limbs, remembering an incident similar to what the couple were doing.

* * *

 

"Come on Raph we're gonna be late!" Mikey called out, smiling gleefully at his mate who was following gruffly. His step was wobbly, mumbling under his breath. Mikey went to get him from Casey's, having a boys night out with drinks and the game. Mikey warned him prior if he was gonna get hammered, he wasn't gonna carry him home.

"Geez Mike, walk a little faster why don't ya?" Raph growled. Mikey stopped dramatically, turning half way back at Raph, expressing his more curve look over to his brother.

"What's the matter Raphie-boy, too drunk?" He asked. Raph wasn't getting faster, so with a defeated sigh, Mikey walked over and put an arm over his shoulders, feeling the heavier body instantly lean on him.

"Geez Raph no more beers for you! Empty calories dude." Mikey chuckled, starting to lead them down the sewers. Mikey stumbled lightly, feeling a beak nuzzle at his cheek lightly. He heard Raph growl possessively, forcing Mikey to walk sideways, almost colliding with the wall.

"Come on Raph, I told Splinter I would get you home." Mikey grunted out, trying his very best to push his much larger mate to the other end. But, what he didn't expect was to be shoved up against the wall, with Raphael so nicely pressed against him. His beak pressed perfectly in his neck, nipping at his throat, making Mikey moan, gripping tightly at the emerald green shoulder. He felt a rough hand slid down the front of his plastron, finger playing with his slit, teasing it ever so slightly.

Mikey couldn't form any functional words, feeling the larger body grinding up against him, devouring his mouth, tasting every inch of the small cavern.

"Mikey..." Raph husked, grabbing Mikey's thighs and hoisting him up so he had his legs wrapped around his waist.

 

* * *

 

" _Mikey..."_ The sound of the deep voice, begging for more, pleading to claim him. Mikey smiled slightly, remembering that once they got to the lair, Raphael admitted he wasn't actually drunk, gaining a good weeks a pranks from the younger turtle. Mikey felt his mind calm for a moment, just a mere moment.

" _Freak.."_  That voice. Mikey trembled lightly.

" _Disgraceful freak of nature!"_  The sound of a whip, the echoes of his own cries. Mikey brought his hands up to the top of his head, burying his head in his knees, locking his fingers behind his head.

" _Look at you! What kind of ninja are you! Filthy freak!"_ Mikey whimpered, fighting back against the invading memories. Every time, every time a pleasant memory of he and Raphael came to mind, he and his family together, that monster's face comes into his head. His voice making him go deaf. It reminded him, taunted him, that he didn't deserve that kind of happiness ever again.

The sound of his phone made him jump. He reached into his pocket and saw it was Donnie.

"Hello?" Mikey answered.

" _Hey Mikey. It's Don. I was wondering if you can help me with some scavenging in the junk yard for a little bit?"_ He asked. Mikey bunk his head to the wall. As much as he loved spending time with is brother, he mental state was weak at the moment.

"Can't you ask Leo to go?" He asked, seething his brother's name.

" _I would but he's helping Raph train."_  Don explained. Mikey physically flinched from the sound of Raphael's name. He was alive and here and it was torturing Michelangelo even farther. He looked around the small apartment and thought the shadows were moving, ready to pounce and devour him in the depths of darkness, never to return. A few gulps and a sigh a later he responded,

"Yea, okay I'll meet you there." he shut the phone and stood up. He put on his coat and grabbed his weapons and looked out the window. The couple was gone and so was that precious memory. Mikey soon disappeared into the night, not ready for what he will come home to.


	8. Fix

_ **A/N: I AM SO SORRY!!! I am multitasking and posting this story on both AO3 and FF.Net. so I accidentally missed a chapter so here it is! I am so sorry!** _

* * *

 

Mikey walked through the front door of his apartment, slamming it behind him. He had just spent the past two and a half hours digging through the junk yard for parts and pieces of computers, Don claiming it was for a project. Mikey was tired and just wanted to sleep. He slipped off his boots and took off his jacket, leaving him only with his gear and weapons.

He started walking to the bedroom, slogging his way to the bed, determined to lay down and pass out and forget about the day. He felt a hand on his should who gripped tightly. Mikey felt the fear slink in, quickly twisting and pushing the hand away. He quickly pulled the gun out of it's holder and pointed it at the intruder. His breathing was coming in with large pants, feeling terrified by the small touch of the unnamed intruder. He felt his whole body freeze when his eyes met with a golden gaze, looking at him with a stern expression.

"It's just me Mike." Raphael spoke evenly. Mikey felt his hand start to shake violently. He felt the room grow ten times smaller, consuming him into the shadows and devouring every sense of understanding he had left. The sweat trickled down the side of his face looking at Raphael.

_Stop looking at me like that._ His mind begged and pleaded for Raph to turn away, to leave his space and let him breathe.

"Leave." He croaked out. Raph just stood there. His strong muscles tensing, his stature towering Mikey's smaller form. He felt the emotion build, he missed those eyes, that body. He missed Raphael more then anything else in the world but he couldn't have him. He didn't deserve it.

"No, Mikey. We're gonna have a talk." Raph commanded, walking closer to Mikey. Mikey backed up with every step Raphael took till his shell his the wall behind him. He glocked the gun, making Raphael freeze in place.

"Leave. Now." Mikey spoke with more confidence. Raphael could see right through him, like a window on a house. Raphael took another step, then another, till the tip of the gun was hitting his plastron.

"Or what? Are ya gonna shoot me?" He growled. Mikey looked up at him, trying with all his will power not to shrivel up in the corner and drown in his sorrows. The proximity between him and Raph was too much. So many memories, good and bad, battling with one another, forcing his heart and mind to tear into two.

"Come on. Do it. Your all big and tough now so go for it!" Raphael growled, making Mikey shrink slightly. He just wanted him to leave, but at the same time he wanted him to be closer, touch him, love him like they used to. Mikey shook those thoughts away, knowing that it can't be possible. Not anymore, not after everything.

Raphael kept shouting, encouraging him to pull the trigger, prove to Raph that there wasn't any love left, Mikey was no longer there. But Raphael watched, observed his brothers actions. He watched the shaking, the sweat. He was fighting. He was still Mikey. But Raph had to push a little further. He loomed over Mikey, his superior mass shadowing over Michelangelo.

"What's your choice? What's it gonna be!" He yelled. His heart twisted seeing the fear on Mikey's face but he needed to know, to see what was to become of them. Mikey's breathing was coming in shuddering breaths. All he could sense was the time with the Dragons. The anger in Raphael's voice was enough to make Michelangelo revert back to the darker times of his life. He knew this was Raph, it was only Raph. But he needed him to leave, disappear and never come back.

With a growl, he tossed the gun to the side and shoved Raph with all his might, gaining back his space. Raphael stumbled but quickly got his footing, seeing the enraged anger on Mikey's face.

"Just go! Fucking leave me alone!" Mikey yelled. Raphael took a mental note of the sudden change of character.

"Ain't happen'n Mikey. We're gonna talk whether ya like it or not!" He grunted, charging at Mikey, wrapping his arms around the struggling turtles waist before slamming him on the bed, quickly straddling the smaller body. He made sure his hands kept a strong grip on Mikey's hands as he held them above his head.

Mikey thrashed violently, trying with much effort to buck Raphael off of him.

"Lemme go!  _Get off!_ " Mikey screamed.

"Not until ya tell me what the fuck is up with ya! I'm tired of waiting on ya!" Raphael grunted, trying to keep up the pressure holding down Michelangelo.

"What? Do you wanna cookie? A pat on the back for having some fucking patience for the first time in your entire damn life?" Mikey snapped, huffing out of frustration.

"Not till you tell me Mike!" Raph barked.

"You already know! Why do you gotta push the fucking subject even more!" Mikey yelled. His heart was constricting, his grip was loosening. He had to get away.

"Mikey I have no clue what y'er talk'n about!" Raphael told him, growing desperate. He was close, he knew he was. He understood how Michelangelo worked, especially when he was upset. Mikey was the kind of turtle you just had to push at, let him snap, and he will be fine. Raphael was more then determined to push as far as he needed to.

He suddenly felt the fighting under him settle. He and Mikey locked eyes. Mikey shook his lead, as if in disbelief.

"Don't do that to me Raph." He said barely over a whisper. Raph just stayed there, confusion written on his face.

"Mikey I-"

"Don't lie to me! I know you know! He told me he told you so why do you want me to bring it up again?" He cried. He felt the lump in his throat. This was hurting him deeply. Raphael wanted him to speak of the terrors he knew of, announce them to the world.

"Who told me what? Hun?" Raph asked. Mikey flinched hard at the man's name. Raphael got a better idea of what might have went on. His anger towards Hun grew but knew there was nothing he could do about that anymore. His attention drawn back to his mate, staring at him with fearful eyes.

"Mikey..What did Hun do?" He asked quietly.

"H-he told you.." Mikey squeaked. Raph shook his head slowly.

"He never even talked to me Mikey." He whispered. Realization hit Michelangelo hard. Hun had lied to him, played with his mind. Mikey felt so stupid for believing it. The tears form but didn't fall. He refused to speak.

Raphael ducked his head, sighing in frustration. It was true he was not a patient turtle, but at this moment he was giving it his all.

"Look Mikey I'm done playing these games with ya." He looked up and his breath caught in his throat. The tears, bright as day, dripping slowly down Michelangelo's eyes. All anger left Raphael's body, only thing he wanted to do was comfort his mate any way he could. He removed one of his hands holding down Mikey's do he could attempt to place it on his cheek. Mikey used this to his advantage and tugged his hands out of Raph's grasp. Instead of trying to push Raph away, he merely turned to his side, curling up slightly underneath Raphael.

"Just go away." Mikey mumbled, trying to hide himself from Raphael's view. Raphael could physically see the turmoil Michelangelo was in. He could only think of one thing that might help.

"Mikey...ya remember that promise we made each other? Ya know when we first started this?" Raph felt his cheeks heating up lightly from the thought. It was day where they both spent the entire day in bed. Donnie, Leo, and Splinter were all out at the farm house. Mikey and Raph said they would come later, wanting to enjoy the company of one another.

"Ya..ya made me promise you that if I got too frustrated or angry, I would go straight to you." He started, seeing Mikey was still not looking at him but seemed that he was listening to his words.

"You promised me you would never hide behind a smile ever again. Ya promised me you would always be open with me with everything. So please Mikey, I'm begging ya. Let me in." Raph lowered his head slightly, hoping for a response. Mikey didn't move, kept himself curled and unresponsive. Raph felt desperate, more then that if it was possible.

"Mikey...Do you still love me?" He asked solemnly. Mikey snapped his head around, glassy faded blue eyes meeting powerful gold. He gulped a couple of times.

"Of course." He spoke softly. It hurt, feeling like a shard of glass slicing into his very soul.

"Then why do you keep avoiding me? Why are you so scared of me?" Raph asked, desperation linked with every syllable he spoke. Mikey felt that suffocating feeling again, not knowing how to respond.

"I'm not scared of you." He spoke honestly, feeling his emotion flow. His walls were crumbling, burning to the ground and turning into a thousand ashes to flow through the earth.

"Then what did I do? What am I doing?" He asked, rushing through his words. Mikey shut his eyes, grinding his teeth together.

"Just stop." he seethed. Raph was taken back by the sudden change in attitude once again, seeing the obvious pattern that was beginning.

"Stop what?" He dared to ask. Mikey opened his eyes, showing the flaring anger the was suddenly developed.

"Stop looking at me like I mean something." He growled. Raphael let his mouth hang open, How could request something like that?

"Mikey, you're my world, my heart. Everything I do is for you. I couldn't live without you. When I was locked up all I thought about was you and if you were alright. How can you ask me to not look at you when you mean everything to me." Raph pleaded. Mikey just looked at him. The tears settling on the creaks of his eyes, looking up at him with a blank expression.

"I don't deserve it." he told Raph. The red banded turtle was seeing the walls coming down. He was close. These little hints were getting him closer to finally breaking Michelangelo's shell.

"Why? Why don't you deserve it?" he asked softly. Mikey shook his head.

"Don't do that Raph." He begged.

"Why?"

"Let it go!"

"I won't!"

Mikey growled and pushed Raphael up so he was able to sit up himself. They stared at each other, Raph still straddling his hips, refusing to move. Mikey wanted nothing more then to push him off the bed and run. But something was stopping him from doing so.

"If I tell you, you'll hate me. I can't live knowing you hate me. Avoid, leave me be but being hated by you? I can't do that." Mikey said quietly. He flinched back when he felt his brothers hand on his cheek. He didn't put any pressure into it. He just stayed there, being the reassurance that he hasn't had in such a long time. Raph looked at him and tried to think of something to say. He took a breath.

"Mikey I'm scared. I hate seeing you like this. You're my light, my reason to live. Don't you get that?" He asked, closing the gap between their faces. This closeness, this intimacy it was so comforting to Raphael, but he could sense the slight discomfort coming from Michelangelo.

"I can't be." He whispered, his breath lingering across Raphael's cheek.

Why?" He asked in a low voice. He had him, he knew he did. Mikey lifted his head up, fighting the tears threatening to leave.

"Because I'm not yours anymore." It was so quiet Raph almost missed it. Raph pulled away slowly. Everything was starting to click. His heart started to hammer, anger boiling over the edge. Hun. Hun did...

"Mikey...Hun hurt you didn't he?" He couldn't seem to bring himself to bring the dreaded word, the word that was spoken of in the shadows of nightmares and despair.

"We're not five Raph we know what rape is." Mikey turned his head and looked away, feeling his his body shudder under him. For a moment, Raphael just stared, not too sure how to respond or whether he should or not. He was angry now, to think the oversized mutant even  _Touched_ what was his made his muscles tense. He felt he could take down a million foot ninja and a thousand purple dragons just to get revenge on Hun. But Raph remembered, Mikey already beat him to the punch.

Mikey snapped his head around and faced Raphael, eyes glistening but could clearly see the anger.

"Are you happy now?" He asked harshly. Raphael just blinked at him, feeling like he was shrinking under the blue gaze staring at him.

Mikey was angry, more then angry he was furious. He hated Raph for holding him down and captivating him. Hated him for making him speak of the events that took place months ago, the situations that created him into the person he is today. Raphael wanted to know? He wanted to be disgusted? The Michelangelo would tell him.

"You wanna know what he did to me? He used me like his own personal toy!" Mikey yelled. Raph was frozen in place, listening but couldn't seem to find the words to respond.

"He left me in a fucking room. He came in, did what he wanted, and walked out. I was lucky if they remembered to give me some damn water!" His fury was becoming too much for him. This is the first time he had ever spoken of the events, ever even attempted to face his demons. The hot tears were coming down. He was so tired, so frustrated, so...lost.

"Sometimes, just to really fuck with me, he would take me out in the middle of the warehouse and let him and his friends take turns." His voice started crack from the emotion he was feeling. "He made me dirt under his fucking shoe!" He almost screamed. When he grew quiet he said, "Then one day he came in and told me I was of no use to him anymore. He tied me up, blindfolded me, and threw me in an alley like the trash I was." Raph gulped hard, unable to form the words his mind was screaming at him to say. He wanted to tell Mikey he was worth so much more, a amazing gift given to him. Comfort him in some way.

"But I got him." Mikey said quietly, catching Raphael's full attention. A grim smile formed on Mikey's face, sending shivers down Raphael's spine. The glimmer of mischief was bright in Mikey's faded irises.

"He thought I'd be afraid of him, thought I would crumble under him. I proved him wrong." He said in a low voice.

"Mikey.." Raphael tried to stop him before he continued.

"He was in the alley with a couple of goons. Leo and Donnie took care of him. They didn't see me go after Hun. I caught up to him and I made him pay." He said a little louder.

"Mikey stop." Raph tried to command his little brother.

"I got behind him and took a piece of glass and stuck it right through his fat throat. Over and over again I stabbed him. He didn't even have time to scream. I cut off his fucking head and I through it in the trash! Just like what he was!" Mikey yelled, chuckling while he talked.

"Mikey enough!" Raphael yelled back, attempting to shake his brother, get him to stop speaking of his sins from the past.

"But I couldn't stop there. All of them had to pay! They needed to feel my pain they needed to feel my loss! They took everything from me! I made them all suffer the way they made me suffer!" Before he could continue, his head snapped to the side, the sound of a smack echoing in the air. Mikey stayed there, head turned, feeling the sting of the assault. He allowed his mind to clear. Even after all the murders he had committed, after all the blood that had been spilled by his hands, he was not satisfied. He still had that hole in his heart.

He suddenly felt a vice grip form around him, realizing it was Raphael pulling him into a hug. The hold was tight, like a lifeline fearing of the release in the abyss. Mikey stiffened for moment but the sent of Raphael, the feel of his skin against his was comforting. He almost felt peace for a moment. He didn't fight back nor did he give back.

"Mikey I am so, so sorry." Raphael croaked. Mikey's eyes went wide when he felt the sudden feeling of moist. He saw a heave of the strong shoulders and realized that Raphael was crying. Only has Mikey seen Raph cry one other time and that was when Leonardo got hurt. To have the tears of his mate now weighted on his shoulders, it hurt. He was so consumed with the idea of revenge and hatred, he had forgotten that Raphael had feelings as well.

"I should have protected you. I should have saved you. Mikey I understand if you hate me for not being the mate I was suppose to be. I should have fought harder, I should have crashed through the entire fucking building looking for you. Please Mikey, please I-I'm..." Raphael wasn't so sure what he was pleading for. It wasn't for Michelangelo's forgiveness, no. He felt he didn't deserve that. He allowed Hun to take them that night. He should have been more cautious of their surroundings, he should have left when Mikey started to get a feeling. Hearing the pain his brother went through, he didn't know how to comprehend it.

His breath hitched, suddenly feeling an arm wrap under his arm and a hand placed on his carapace. He stood still, feeling the body under him move. He felt Michelangelo's other arm hesitantly move to wrap around the back of his neck, pulling Raphael closer. This embrace, this tenderness. It was more about the feeling of stability, to know that either one was anchored and won't float away into oblivion.

"They took you away..." Mikey whispered against the side of his head. Raph stayed there, holding Mikey as he spoke.

"You were my everything and they took you away...I wasn't strong enough to get you back. I couldn't protect myself and I couldn't save you. I thought I lost you.." His confession, his words sent Raphael soaring. Raphael pulled Mikey away, looking at his face. He focused on the scarred eye, seeing the fading sight. He wanted to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, that there was nothing he could do. But he had the idea that Mikey has heard that speech a thousand times.

He leaned in closer, their breaths lingering together. His heart flutter, like their first night together.

"I'm here Mikey. I'm here." He whispered before closing the gap between he and Michelangelo. Their lips met, and Raph thought he felt a spark fly. This intimacy, this engrossed need to contact, build after months of isolation from the one he truly loved. Raphael started to move his lips, Mikey soon following his lead. Raphael pushed a little, attempting to deepen it. He thought that this might be too much for his young mate, but instead Mikey was insisting on it.

He felt Mikey's mouth open, allowing Raph to slip his tongue into his mouth and intertwine with his tongue. The kiss remained slow, taking in the sweet sense of love and compassion. Raphael started to push Michelangelo back slowly, bringing him back down to the bed. Raphael hesitated for a minute, not wanting to scare Michelangelo. He removed his mouth from Mikey's and stared at him. Mikey's eyes were wide, staring up at Raphael, questioning the sudden hesitation. Raph focused on the scared iris. He bit his lip and brought his hand up and rubbed his finger over the orange fabric that hid the further scarring. He saw Mikey's eyes widen, tensing by the sudden connection. Raphael took a breath and moved his finger slowly up, bringing the bandana with him.

When the bandana was removed, he saw the slash running across Michelangelo's eye, seeing that it ripped past the cornea, causing the partial blindness in that eye. The tension was filling the room as Raphael observed the permanent wound. He slowly brought his head down, pressing his lips above Mikey's eye, kissing it gently. He moved to the edge of his eye and kissed him again. Raph moved his mouth against Mikey's neck, kissing it gently, licking down the soft skin. Mikey moved his head to the side, making more room for Raphael to work.

Mikey was confused. Usually if someone came near him, even attempted to touch him, he would flinch away, being reminded of all the harsh memories of the purple dragons. But not with Raphael. His touches, the grazes and soft feelings. It was all so comforting. It felt so right. He moaned lightly when Raph nipped at his pulse point. He needed this, this feeling. Mikey moved his legs, making sure that Raph was placed in between his thighs. Raphael lifted his head and gave Mikey a questioning look.

"I want this.." Mikey spoke quietly. "Please Raph.." Mikey lifted himself up slightly, pressing his lips to Raphael's. Something told Raph in the back of his mind to stop, that this was too soon to do such acts. But his body was moving, acting for him. The kiss was deep and passionate. Raphael moved his body against Michelangelo's, feeling the scrape against their bottom plastron's. Mikey churred in Raphael's mouth, proving to him that there was pleasure. Slowly, savoring every moment, they removed their gear and Raphael's bandana, leaving them both exposed to the world.

Raphael brought one of his hands in between them, rubbing his thumb against the bulge of his brothers hidden pocket. With a moan, Mikey dropped down and his sex was engulfed by the strong grip of Raphael. This pleasure was what Mikey felt he was missing. This connection with Raphael that he had been craving. His mind began to swim as the pleasure was increasing.

Raphael moved his hand up and down his shaft, remembering the feel, the thickness and spots he enjoyed the most. He gasped when he felt a wondering hand gliding down his front, teasing his slit with intensive movement. The feel of Michelangelo's hands was too much to bare. Raphael dropped down into Mikey's hands, churring with pleasure. They moved together, pleasure building. But this wasn't enough. Raphael gathered some of the pre-cum on Mikey's sex before reaching underneath his young lovers legs and circled the entrance. He watched as Mikey's body tense, biting his lip and his grip tightening around Raphael's neck. Raph took a breath and closed his eyes, pressing his lubed finger in the tight entrance. The sweet feel of Michelangelo wrapped around him brought back so many memories, so many good times. He opened his eyes and saw Mikey had his eyes scrunched tight, biting his lip.

Raphael leaned down next to Mikey's head, whispering encouraging words to the young mutant, relaxing him, reminding him that he was safe, that this was him and no one else. Soon enough Mikey calmed down and Raphael made the first attempt to move his finger. This reminded him so much of their first time, the nervousness and anxiety. Raphael remembered the way Mikey would giggle and make stupid jokes to hide his nervousness. But now, he was writhing, moaning for more.

The prepping was suffice, enjoyable and content. Raphael pulled his fingers away and looked down to see Mikey panting, sweat glistening on his forehead. He leaned in, covering the panting turtles mouth with his own as he pushed in. Mikey cried out but only for them to be devoured by Raphael's hungry kiss. Raphael stayed buried, giving Mikey the option to pull away now before anything went to much farther. Although he couldn't lie to himself if he were to say that being inside his distant lover wasn't addicting. He felt complete in a way, treasuring this physical connection they had, the sense of love cares.

Mikey pushed his panic away, remembering the feeling of being filled by Raphael and not Hun or any of the other members of the Purple Dragons. Raphael had a certain feel to him, like he was made for Michelangelo. This was his Raphie, back in his arms, pushing deeper in him. When he began to move, the feeling of home came to him. Their late nights together, their intimate touches and words. Their secrets shared and exposed.

Raphael's movements were slow, gaining small grunts coming from the turtle under him. As the physical release was continuing, the need for the missed pleasure increased. Their kisses becoming sloppy, movements becoming desperate. Mikey released his mouth from Raph,bringing his head back against the pillow, gasping for breath. Raphael was grunting, burying his head in the crook of Mikey's neck, pushing faster. He grasped one of Mikey's thighs keeping some control of how strong his grip was.

"Raph..I...c-c.." Mikey couldn't seem to find a way to speak, mind being fuzzed with with pure pleasure, forgetting everything. The only thing he can focus on was Raphael. His body suddenly convulsed, stiffening as he climaxed, drooping longs strands of his seed between he and his much larger mate.

Raphael growled hearing the way Mikey moaned his name, his body clamping down tightly onto him, his seed twisting between them. With a grunt he filled Michelangelo with his own ensense, biting down on his lips and squeezing Michelangelo's thigh.

They stayed like that, Raph buried deep in his mate, Mikey looking up at him. And Raphael thought he was going insane but sworn on his life, he thought he saw a ghost of a smile of Michelangelo's face, reminding him that no matter what, he will always be Mikey.


	9. Reverse

Reverse

.

.

.

.

_**Warning:  Sensitive material *Non-con** _

 

“Haah..Ahh” Mikey groaned, crowding himself closely to the corner of the room, holding his now sprained arm close to his chest. He couldn't breathe. His chest tightening with every moment that past in this quiet room. Hearing the drips of the pipes echoing in the back, intensifying his already racing heart. He was wheezing through his teeth as he tried to stop his body from shaking. He groaned as he felt blood go into his eye. He fought back hard this time, but it still wasn’t enough. 

They put him back in the pit and he was ganged up on once more by the dozens of Purple Dragons. Though he was able to get through most of the crowd like always, they knew how to play dirty. Once Mikey saw that pipe come through, he knew the fight was over. One good shot to the arm made him immobile. One crappy shot to the face left him still alive, but unable to see through one of his eyes. Mikey didn't know of the damage to his face but can only assume with the amount of blood dripping from his face, it wasnt good.

He didn't know how long he’d been here. He just knew that he was stripped of his resources and weapons and had no way of contacting his brothers. He stumbled on his breath thinking of Raphael. He didn't know where he was or if he was okay. The amount of times he has tried to escape this room to find him were uncountable. This room, this cell that he was placed in was all of the above unescapable. He kept in the back of his mind and questioned how the Dragons even had the funds or the brains to create cells like this. It was almost comical but Mikey knew better than to laugh at this moment. 

With slow, rigid movements, he looked to his side to see the old, dirty mattress that sat on a almost broken box spring. He had been contemplating on laying on it for the past few nights but found it to be unappetizing. Even living in the sewers he still had the decency to get a clean mattress with sheets. Though he has been in too much pain to lay down for a long period of time, the thought was still in the back of his mind. 

The longer he stared at the bed though, a weird twist in the pit of his stomach merged. Though there was a good chance he was confusing that feeling of hunger since he couldn't remember the last time he ate, that eerie feeling still didn't leave him. 

He jumped slightly as he watched the cell door open shining a bright light in his face. He groaned and mentally prepared himself to be dragged out once more and beaten.  He unconsciously shifted to the light and watched a large figure walk in and shut the door behind them. He shook his head, trying to clear his vision from the blood only to let out a airless laugh. 

“Boy, what do I owe the pleasure if your ugly mug?” He said in a hoarse voice, trying to keep his courage up. Hun looked over him, with a sneer grin plastered on his face. He originally didn't say anything, making Mikey feel uncomfortable. He watched as hun’s huge stature walked till he was in front of the smaller turtle. Mikey watched this mutated turtle carefully, though he hasn't seen Hun in a few days, something about his stature was ominous. 

He wasn't expecting the meaty hand reaching down and grasping his neck to pull him up to stand. 

“Gah!” He panicked as he was tossed like a doll onto the eerie mattress. He bounced, yelping as his arm hit the bed. He didn't have much time to move or react as that same hand met his neck once more. He bucked but with no preveal was not able to get Hun to budge. The larger turtle was half on the bed, one knee on the bed and a hand holding down Mikey’s thigh. Mikey dug at the hand holding him down, panic filling his senses. 

“H-hun.. G-get off!” Mikey tried to threaten. Hun chuckled above him making the smaller turtle freeze underneath him, 

“You know, when I originally got the intel you and Ralphie boy were fucking I puked in my mouth. How dishonorable of you to bed with your brother.” He mentioned, watching the slight panic in Michelangelo's eyes as he squeezed his throat a little tighter. 

“But then when I saw you getting the living shit beat out of ya, well lets just say I started to see the attraction.” Hun moved his hand from Mikey's thigh and started to head south. 

“Not interested.” Mikey groaned, flipping his lower body and aimed for Hun’s face. The initial hit was enough to let Mikey maneuver out from under Hun’s hold and flip out to the side of the bed. He almost lost his balance, feeling the loss of blood and the stinging from his arm becoming dull. 

Hun shook his head and sent out a threatening growl before cracking a smile. 

“You sure you wanna do it like this? Cuz i'm telling you now  ya aint gonna enjoy it as much as I am.” Hun started marching over to Mikey, making the orange banded turtle back up slightly. He was mentally trying to calm himself. He was hurt but not immobile. He just needed to get to the door. 

“Sorry, we’re not the sharing kind. Who knows what you're carrying.” He attempted taunt as he slowly started to move against the wall towards the door. 

“You aint gonna have a choice.” Hun snarled as he charged at the smaller turtle. 

“Guess consent is out of the question.” Mikey mumbled before quickly jumping up to avoid Hun’s immediate attack. With his good arm, he placed a hand on Hun’s shell, pushing him as he went over him, making him hit his head into the wall. 

Mikey stumbled slightly but found Hun to unmoving for a second. He didn't think twice till he made it to the door to find it was locked. 

“What the fuck!” Mikey yelled, pulling at the handles to try and get it to budge but found it wouldn't. He heard the awful laughing from behind him to see Hun rubbing his head and staring at him. 

“Doors locked freak. Only opens when I say to. Were gonna be here for a long time.” That sent a crawling sensation down Mikey’s spine. He turned to run to the other side of the room but wasn't expecting that meaty hand to catch his neck once more and slam him against the wall. 

He didn't even have a moment to take a breath before the fist connected to his jaw. Over and over again he was punched till he was seeing stars. He didn't know how long the beating took, but however long made him weak enough to stop resisting till his breath was ragged. Once the punches stopped coming down, after however long the wet sound of flesh beating flesh had ended, Mikey looked over with bloody eyes to see the crimson painting over Hun’s enormous hand. 

He barely registered His body being thrown back on that bed and the blood spilling from his mouth from the busted teeth. The room was spinning, and he was barely breathing before he felt the larger turtle come on top of him. 

  
  


He was about to be raped. Mikey never expected something like this to happen, especially considering who he was and 

he was. He's seen movies and TV shows talking about and maybe even acting it out but never really expected what it would be like. 

 

That was the first thing that came in his mind. That must be why Hun would be using this tactic was to get information out of him. It has to be. He couldn't stop the sinking feeling of shame he got when Hun got on top of him. He couldn't stop the yelp when Hun grabbed his tail.

He screamed at his mind, he went through every kata, every meditation he could remember to help him through this.  Splinters words came to him. 

  
  


That was his game plan, when Hun would do this, prode him, hurt him in this way, he would allow his mind to escape. At least that's what he wanted. 

 

But then he thought of Raphael. What would he say? What would he think? How will he ever look at him, love him the same ever again?

 

He couldn't escape to the astral plane. Because he didn't deserve that luxury. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


The dim light illuminated grey in the room as the sun started to rise behind the clouds. The shimmering rays entered the apartment but the only thing that stirred was the specks of dust. A small buzzing sound vibrated on the nightstand. Raphael didn't budge immediately. He twitched as the buzzing continued but relaxed when it stopped. He buried his head deeper in his pillow and get comfortable again but as soon as he was about to drift off, the buzzing sounded off once more. 

He cracked his eye open, the other still closed from being placed in the pillow. He saw his shell cell shake on the bed side table, lighting up in showing that he was receiving a call. With a groan, he pushed himself up slightly, and reached over for the device. He shook his head before opening both his eyes past a crack to see who was calling. He huffed in annoyance to see it was Leo. He shouldn't be shocked. He quickly sat up more, leaning on an elbow before answer the phone. 

“Yeah?” He said in a hushed tone. 

“Jesus Raph. I've been trying to get ahold of you for an hour. Where are you?” He asked in a rushed toned.  Raph fell back on his shell and sighed. 

“I'm at Mike’s.” He said simply. The other line was quiet for a few minutes. 

“Is he okay?” Leo asked. Raph looked over to his side to see Mikey was no longer laying beside him. A twinge of fear entered his heart. 

“Leo I’m gonna have to call you back.” Was all he said as he sat up all the way and shut his phone. He quickly got dressed and walked out to the living room where he found was bare. He almost called back Leo when he saw the window to the fire escape was open. He peeked out to take a glance at the roof and could only guess where Mikey had gone. 

With swift movement, he made his way up to the top, taking in the sight of the sun rising over the city. It was rare to see a sight like this simply because they live underground and travel at night lacked the beauty of the sunrise. He can only imagine Leo losing his mind if he found out they were up here. Speaking of the controlling older brother, Raphael shell cell has not stopped buzzing since he hung up on Leo. He turned it off once more before sticking it in his belt and approaching the side where he saw Mikey, smoking a cigarette and hanging his feet over the side. 

Raphael approached slowly, taking in the peaceful scenery around them before he finally came up next to his mate and took a seat next to him. 

“Hey.” He said. Mikey gave him a side look before taking another drag of the fag. 

“Hey.” he responded, resting his hand on his knee. Raph observed him for a moment, thinking back to the memories of Mikey taking the cigarettes right out of Raph’s mouth and throwing them away. Always talking about how bad they were. He reached out his hand in asking for the cigarette. Mikey watched him for a second then reluctantly handed it over to watch him take a swig as well.  Raph sighed in relief, not having a one of these in over a year was tiring. He looked over at Mikey to see him watching him and he could help but to crack a smile. 

“Ya know, I can't count the amount of times ya’ threw away one of these.” He said light headilty. He could have sworn he saw a ghost of smile on his mates face as he took another drag before throwing it over the edge. 

“Silent killer they say.” Mikey responded. 

“Yeah, use to say that after you had too much pizza with anchovies.” He tried to joke gaining a small chuckle from Michelangelo. Raphael didn't even realize how much he actually missed that obnoxious laugh of his. Though it wasn't fully a laugh, it was the most he has heard in a long time. 

Raph reached a hand up to touch Mikey’s face, instantly missing the intimacy the shared that wasn't completely sexually. What he wasn't expecting was for Mikey to pull away, tensing in the process. Raphael’s heart dropped. Mikey was scared, or uncomfortable, or he was mad at Raph for pushing him into intercourse. He watched Mikey relax after he pulled his hand away but still hadn’t looked at him. Raph took a breath and spoke. 

“Mikey if I pushed you too much, if I went to far last night I’m sorry.” He tried to justify. Mikey took a breath in aggravation. 

“It wasn't you.” he said mildly. 

“Mikey you don’t gotta lie I just-”    
“I said it wasn't you.” He suddenly was looking at him. “I wanted it. Its just, I got some stuff im still trying to figure out.” He admitted before turning back to look at the sunrise. Raphael just studied him for a moment. This isn't turning out what he thought it would. He planned to come in and take control and show Mikey he was back and he's staying, hopeful it would bounce him out of his muck. But that wasn't the case. Sure, Mikey was talking to him, sitting with him, hell even having sex with him, but there was no actual sense of trust. There was no attachment like he thought he would. As if Mikey was still uncomfortable that he was still around. 

He shook out of his thoughts knowing he shouldn't be asking questions on past, but on the future. 

“So, what's the plan from here?” He asked. Mikey gave him a side glance, puzzled by the question. 

“Don’t know. What are you planning? I'm assuming you'll go back to the lair at one point. Shell knows I don't want Leo coming over here looking for you.” Mikey said. Raph was taken back from the response. This was nothing like he was expecting. He was hoping Mikey would be clinging to the idea of making future plans together. Instead he was retracting, separating himself from the situation. 

“Well I was kinda hoping maybe ya wanna come back with me. You know, see Master Splinter at least?” He chose not to mention his other brothers since there was obvious fowl play still in the making, but at least with their father, it was more personal. Mikey huffed, a grim smile on his face. 

“Well, they do say don't get your hopes up.” He responded. 

“What the fuck Mike?” Raph responded, annoyed by this attitude. “You've been running around playing some vigilante the least you can do is say hi to father.” Mikey looked up at him with a lazy expression, unamused by Raph’s outburst. 

“Sorry Splinter Jr.” He jabbed, reminding Raph he was starting to sound like Leo. “I'll pack up my bag and get going.” He said with snark. 

“Aint funny Mike.” Raph growled. 

“Well what did you expect? That I was just gonna be all up and ready to forgive and forget cuz you came back in the picture?” He asked. Raph held his breath. Mikey watched him as he saw he was silent. A pitiful look fell over him and he couldn't help to give a broken laugh. 

“Really?” He asked in almost disbelief. Raph bit his lip.

“I thought, I thought you would-” 

“That I what? Act like nothing happened because you fucked me?” He was so crude. 

“What no!” Raph responded defensively. 

“Oh yeah? Cuz thats what its looking like!” Mikey shot back.

“No! I just thought that if I got close enough, then maybe I would be enough to convince you to come home.” They stared at each other for a while, Raph feeling the challenging gaze coming from the younger turtle. This anger was still foreign to Raphael and even though he now understood the source, it still did not help him how to handle it. 

“Well, hate to burst your bubble, but you’re not enough.” What a icy sentenced that could cut glass. Raphael just sat there, processing what he was just told. He knew Mikey was just saying this to get him angry, and it was working. 

Before Raph could respond, his shell cell started to buzz again, cutting between the awkward silence. 

“You better get that.” Mikey commented. “You really don't want Leo to come looking for you.” It was a silent threat, and Raphael picked up on it immediately. Without another word, he stood up, and left Mikey alone to go back to the lair. 

Mikey sat there and listened to the sounds of Raphael walking away until there was nothing more than the birds and the distant sounds of the traffic as everyone in the city began to wake up for the day to begin. He sat there taking deep breath, settling his racing heart. He didn't want Raph to go, but he knew if he had stayed, he could bet he would have said something that would have ended things badly. But, he couldn't help but to feel hurt by the confession that Raph was trying to bring him back to the lair. He felt hurt simply because he thought Raph came for him and only him, not with another motive in mind. One tear slipped out, falling onto his palm. Without hesitation, he dried his eyes and looked forward, hardening his features. 

“No more tears.” He told himself as he stood up and headed back in his apartment, to prepare for another hunt tonight. 

* * *

  
  


Donnie sat at his desk, finnicking along with a new mechanical machine he had picked up from the junkyard that caught his interest. He was trying to distract himself, mentally prepare himself better wording for when Raph would come and say his plan had failed. When he had spoken of it and seen the light in Leo’s eyes glisten the first time in ages, he knew that it would burn and it would cause more pain than good. Though he was no therapist, or even someone who was indicted to emotion, he knew that what Mikey was going through was nothing that neither Leo or Raph have ever witnessed or experienced. That is probably why Mikey leaned so heavily on him, even if he never spoke of the events, he trusted Donnie to be a body next to him when needed.

Raphael went in full heartily knowing his feelings for Mikey have not changed, and his love for his mate was still the turtle before their capture. What both he and Leonardo were going along with, was that they were dealing with the same turtle. Which in reality, they were not. Michelangelo has went through trauma that has changed him mentally, and change like that had a good chance to never being the same. That was something Donnie was able to register, but was in no position to pass that judgement. He was not his mate nor his leader, so Donnie was a sidebar that spoke up only when asked, and a body when needed. 

He sighed, putting down his tools and thought over his role. He was the guy that fixes everything, and in some cases saves the day. With everything going on, he felt useless, more than useless. He couldn't fix Mikey, he wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with that sort of damage. He couldn't fix Mikey’s relationship with Leo because that wasn't his place. He couldn't convince Leo and Raph what they were doing was wrong because he wasn't 100% sure he was right. 

He was starting to come to a better realization that maybe this was becoming more stressful for himself than he initially thought it was. He was trying not to drown, having his already placed doubts and trying to connect better with his emotions so he can relate back to his family. He was trying to push back every signal in his head that told him their plan was going to fail. He wanted to believe that Mikey would come home and work things out and they could be a happy family again. He desperately wished for that outcome. 

He jumped slightly at the sound of the lair’s door opening and as quick as he could he went to the front but stopped midway when he only saw a single turtle walk through, Raphael. 

“Raph! Where have you been? Where’s Mikey?” Leo asked, running up to the red banded turtle.  Raph had his head down, too sad to lift. Donnie let out a sigh before heading back towards his lab, not needing to hear out loud that his youngest brother would not be returning home. At least with his machines if they failed him, it wouldn't leave a mental wound and a emotional scar. 

 

* * *

  
  


**A/N: Man, still no paradise, and none anytime soon. Hope you all enjoyed! Reviews and comments are always welcome (: Till next time!**

**-F**


	10. Concrete

Concrete

.

.

.

The flood of light entering the room no longer fazed him. He no longer flinched at the sound of the large metal door slamming into the wall with force. Instead, He looked up, grimacing at the blood flooding his eyes, as he looked up at his capture. Hun laughed looking down at the bound turtle, taking in the mental note that the ropes were digging into the smaller’s green skin. 

“They start’n to hurt?” He asked rhetorically. Michelangelo’s glare was deadly. He gasped when attempting to move. His forearms, bound to the elbows and up, pressed tightly to his chest. His legs, tied up to the point thighs and calves twitched in agony, tightly bound by rope. His mouth gagged with the rope leaving burns on the side of his cheeks. 

This was his current punishment. During the “Group Activity” Mikey had taken a large bite out of one of the other gang members and showed little mercy. He was beaten mercefully and punished to be bound as if starring in a poor BDSM porno. He kept consciousness, afraid he wouldn't wake up from the blows he had received. He kept himself occupied by allowing his tongue to run across the rough ended restraints to taste the slight tang of iron and salt. He wiggled his toes and fingers in intervals to keep the blood flowing, ignoring the pain that came along with that action. 

Hun came quick and efficient as he grasped the smaller turtles head and ripped out the ropes from his mouth with little mercy. Michelangelo had little time to react before his body was wrenched forward, only inches away from the larger turtles face. 

“You have been a naughty little shell back. I’ll give ya that’ you’re a hard one ta’ break.” He growled. Mikey didn't respond, just gave him a long hard stare that showed his stance.  Hun glared for a moment more before sneering and shoving Mikey down to his side. Bound, he was unable to move or sit up correctly. He took advantage and sucked in some ragged breath before scanning his eyes up to Hun, seeing him hold something in his meaty hands. 

“We can’t have ya’ acting like such an animal anymore.” He commented revealing what he was holding. A syringe, and it was full. Mikey instantly tensed seeing the small vile. Hun flicked his eyes back at the prone turtle. 

“Guess we’ll just have to change that.” Hun reached out for Mikey but wasn't expecting him to twist enough to bite him hard enough to latch. 

“Gah! You little freak!” He roared, raining down hit after hit on the prone turtle. Mikey refused to budge. He bit down harder and harder with every punch, tasting the sweat and blood under his teeth. His felt his head start to get light but refused to give up. He would fight. He would fight with everything he had. 

He winced slightly and cracked an eye open to see that Hun had inserted the syringe with his other hand into his neck. Mikey growled before taking another chomp. Hun yelled and instantly whipped his hand away, leaving with a new rip on his palm. 

“Heh, probably should have guessed you was a snapping turtle.” He laughed, holding his now injured hand. Michelangelo merely stared and focused on his body. He immediately felt the change in his breathing and could feel his heart start to race. His vision started to blur and his world began to flip. 

“Good thing you won't be too much of a fight for long.” A distant voice was all he heard, before he dove into darkness. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


New York was in full swing of it nightly goings. The busy streets, the memorious lights dancing against the blackened sky. All was blended, even the sounds of a pair of turtles hidden away in a corner apartment know one would ever thought to look. 

 

“haa..Ah” Mikey moaned as he grinded his body into Raphael who obediently lead his partner above to move accordingly. 

“Fuck, Mike.” He groaned, throwing his head back, allowing his mate to take control of the tempo, leaning back into the ragged old couch. Mike bit his lip, lifting and lowering, grinding with need. Raph was in a bliss for a mere moment before he felt the tempo speed up too fast and too sudden. Mikey was pressing aggressively hard, impaling himself with force. 

Raphael had to pull himself out of his euphoria for a minute a place a hand on Mikey’s should, easing him to slow his pace. 

“Mikey, Mikey hold on.” He groaned out. He was hesitant, but Michelangelo did what he was told and came to a halt, still fully on his partner’s sex but was still. Raph placed another hand on Mikey’s cheek, making sure he was looking at him fully. 

“Just enjoy, alright?” He tried to urge. He couldn't stop looking at his lovers face, still seeing the strange twist of anger and distress painted across it. Raphael was slow, but reached in between them to grasp Mikey’s organ, and stroked it with care. immediately , Mikey’s face twisted with signed of pleasure, and slowly, he started to move once more. 

Recently, this has been happening more often than not. Since their reintroduction about a month ago, Raphael has come to visit and stay with Michelangelo every other night or so.  With each night of their love making, there was an undertone of anger, roughness that came with it. Now, Raph was not against rough sex, in fact he normally he would encourage it. But this, this was something more, a more sadistic undertone came with their love making and he couldnt put his finger on it. 

What was more questionable was the way they went around it. Mikey wouldn’t allow Raph near him if he came onto him. He had to wait, had to have permission from Michelangelo. It was usually the younger who would make the first move and it was only that way. If Raph waited patiently, he was granted a romantic night with his lover. If he even attempted to  _ kiss _ his mate, he was welcomed with snaps and growls and a boot to the door. It was such a strange dynamic they had. He needed Mikey, he needed his presence and warmth and to feel the love of his mate. But, he has been given the cold shoulder and almost hated filled sex. And even worse, Mikey never wanted to talk about it after the fact. 

The night after Mikey’s confessions of what happened to him after his captivity with  Hun has left him almost mute. He refused to speak of it again, as if talking about it in the first place caused more strain than before. Raphael was seeing more of an underlying anger with his little brother, more than he had ever witnessed and it was making him worried. But, there was one thing he was sure of, he wasn't out killing Purple Dragons since their first night together. 

“Raph..” Mikey moaned, moving with slight urgency, but not enough to make Raph worry. He was coming close and so was Raphael. With steady hands, Raph moved his hand quickly over Mikey’s shaft, feeling the slickness of the pre-cum sliding under his palm. Mikey’s breath became quick, sharp intakes till his body froze and he climaxed in Raph’s hand hard and powerful. Raphael quickly followed suit, emptying himself within his mate above. 

They sat there for a few minutes, catching their breaths, their sounds mingling with the traffic from outside the window. Once they were both settled enough, Raphael put a hand under Mikey’s chin, having him look at him in the eyes. He scanned his face, and seeing the light pink still flustered over his cheeks. He couldn’t resist, he leaned in and snatched Mikey’s lips into a simple kiss. He pulled away for a moment to see what the younger would do. He was only centimeters apart and yet it felt like miles. He saw the hesitation in his mates actions. It was as if he  _ wanted  _ to prolong to intimacy and yet  _ chose   _ to pull away. 

Mikey quickly bounced off of his mate and headed towards the kitchen where he grabbed the kitchen towel and tossed it in the direction of Raph. 

“You should probably clean up quick. Don't want the others worrying about you.” Mikey said quickly, not turning in Raphs direction. Raphael was ready for a rebuttal but quickly shut it down. He cleaned himself off quickly before standing up, heading in the direction of the kitchen where Mikey was doing the same. 

“Hey Mike.” He started. “Ya’ don’t suppose we can talk?” He asked. Mikey was still cleaning between his legs and without looking up he responded, “About what?” 

“Just, I don’t know about everything?” He growled. Raphael wasn't the one known for using his words. That was Mikey. But now that Mikey has gone mute on these subjects, it was time for Raph to start learning some new skills. 

“I Just wanna know where we stand.” Mikey stopped his cleaning and turned to Raphael. 

“Why does it matter?” He asked.  Raph was taken back by the question. 

“I wanna make sure were okay. You’ve been act’n real weird since, well...the first night.”  He tried his best to keep his temper. 

“I’m not seeing the issue.” Mikey responded in a mellow tone. 

“Jesus Christ Mikey at least before when you were angry I could tell right away but now, now its almost like ya hate me and just fucking me for some sick thrill!” He blurted. Mikey was unfazed by the outburst. 

“You’re getting your rocks off right? So what's your problem?” He argued. 

“That ain't the point Mikey.” He growled. “Ya say ya love me yet you hate fuck me everytime we're together! I just wanna know why!” He hollered. Mikey bit his lip.

“It's not as crude as you make it sound.” He said. 

“Then what is it?” He demanded. Mikey knew he had to throw a bone.  He couldn't help to hold himself slightly. 

“I just want the feeling of him out of me.” He said so quietly it was only above a whisper. “I feel the harder I am with you, the quicker he’ll be gone. Its not working.” His throat suddenly went dry admitting it. Raphael could physically feel the anger leave his body and he took a breath. It was hard on him too. It’s not like he forgets the trauma Michelangelo went through but doesn't fully register it. He took a bold move and walked over and attempted to embrace his mate only to have him pull away. Raphael held his frustration, reminding him how fragile the situation is. 

“Mikey, maybe it's time to maybe start thinking about coming home.” He offered. Mikey scoffed. 

“I am home.” He said. 

“I mean real home. With me and Masta Splinter. Maybe have a good meditation session, have him help clear your mind.” He offered. He could see a sad twist in Mikey’s facial expression. “And I know Donnie misses you messing with all of his stuff in his lab.” He saw a small smile on Mikey’s face, as if remember the good times terrorizing his intelligent brother.  Raph felt slightly smug, feeling he was finally getting to him. 

“And I know Leo would really want you back.” As if cold water poured on him, Mikey’s expression went sour in an instant. 

“No thanks.” He sneered as he walked away from Raphael.  Raphael threw his head back in annoyance. 

“Come on Mikey! Ya can’t stay mad at Leo forever. He saved your life at least be a little grateful for that. Give the guy a break.” He pestered. Mikey only glared at him. 

“No way.” He said coldly. 

“Jesus Mikey why are you holding this grudge? Its Leo, you use to follow him around like a puppy. You were like his teachers pet how can ya just decide to hate him so much?” He questioned. Mikey refused to answer. Raphael could feel his anger boiling and decided to end this conversation.

“Ya know what? Fine. Stick with your secrets. I’m out.” He announced as he started for the window. He stopped and turned to his estranged lover. “When I come back Mikey ya better start talking, cuz I’m running out of patience.” Was all he said before he exited the apartment, leaving Mikey alone with his torturous thoughts. 

 

* * *

 

Donatello sat at his desk pondering at some scraps and bolts he had laying around, keeping himself entertained as the world around him moved forward. He almost paid no attention when he heard the lair door open and his lab door slam. He heard the grunts of frustration as Raphael made himself known and watched as his rigged younger brother crashed on one of the cots.

“Hey.” He said with an awkward smile. 

“Hey.” Raphael responded with a grunt. Don turned back to his trinkets. 

“So, still no Mikey?” He asked half heartedly. 

“Nope.” He said with slick. 

“Called it.” Donnie responded with a smirk. 

“Not funny Donnie.” He growled. 

“I’m not laughing but I told you he wasn’t going to come home.” 

“Don you don't get it.” Raph said sitting up on one elbow facing his older brother. “I have him, everytime time up until I mention Leo. Then he wigs out or freezes or just becomes a prick.” Raph explained. 

“Don’t mention Leo.” Don said sarcastically. 

“Again, not funny.” Raph said. “I just don't get the anger he has towards him.” 

“He did stop him from killing himself.” Donnie pointed out. 

“So? Mikey ain't the kind to hold a grudge like that. Especially with Leo. He was glued to his hip for as long as I can remember.” Raph sat up all the way and laughed. “Hell I remember being jealous of the amount of time they would hang out.” That caught Donnies attention.

“Really?” 

“Yeah. Ya know Mike, he was always trying to please Leo. They were like, best friends. That’s why I dont get why he’s so angry with him. Even with something like that.”    
“I mean it was probably just a violation of trust Raph. Mikey probably just felt Leo isn't allowing him to choose his life track and it probably just stuck.” Donnie tried to explain. Raph contemplated that idea for a moment. 

“I bet if they just talked to each other they’d be good.” A sudden spark entered Raphs mind and Donnie groaned at the thought Raphael had another wild idea. 

“Oh no.” Donnie groaned. 

“Come on Donnie work with me. Is there anywhere that isn't the lair we can bring them and just shove them in a room and have them just beef it out?” Raph asked. Donnie turned and folded his arms and thought about it. 

“I don't know Raph if it's such a good idea. You wanna put a Master Ninja and a killer Psycho in the same room together?” He asked. Raph glared at him. 

“Still not funny Donnie.” He commented. 

“Come on Raph use your head. You think either of them are reasonable enough to have a talk? We cant even keep you and Leo in the same room without someone coming out with a black eye and Mikey is three times angrier than you.” 

“Look Don, I know you’re convinced that Mikey ain't ever gonna be the same but I've seen the old Mikey. It's just glimpse and short times but I’ve seen them. He’s still there. And I think he needs Leo a lot more than he believes. Please help me out.” He begged. Donnie sat there for a moment more and sighed. 

“There’s an old cargo container by the docks. Ill hooks up some cameras to make sure they don’t kill each other.” he said. 

“We’ll take their weapons away.” Raph tried to reason. Donnie looked at him with disbelief and Raph thought about it. “And put in those cameras to make sure they don’t kill each other.” He stood up and put a hand on Donnie’s shoulder. 

“Thanks Donnie. I really hope this works.” He said before leaving the lab. Donnie leaned back in his seat and sighed. 

“Yeah Raph, me too.” 

* * *

  
  
  


**_A/N: Soooooo… Hows everyone Liking it? Please let me know !_ **

 

**_Till next time!_ **

**_-F_ **


	11. Betrayal

Betrayal  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

  
Donatello bit the inside of his cheek as he waited at the docks for Leo. Though he agreed that trapping Leo and Mikey into a confined space would help them actually talk, he couldn't help but to feel a little unease. Ever since Mikey had left the lair, he’s been feeling like the 3rd wheel between Leonardo and Michelangelo. Donnie would see the estranged younger brother then come home to an overly burdened older brother and have to debrief everything that had happened with the younger. It was a tiring game that they played so Donnie expected to feel more relieved about possibly having an end to it. But something gnawed at the back of his mind this wasn't going to end the way he and Raphael would hope.

  
“Hey.” He heard behind him, he quickly turned to see Leo standing there with a concerned look on his face.

  
“Hey good thing you got here. I thought we were going to miss it.” Donnie said, looking down at his shell cell to see then text from Raph saying he was on his way with Mikey.

  
“Miss what? Your text didn't exactly have any context with it just said to meet you here.” Leo looked around around, slightly confused. “Why are we by the cargo ships anyways?” He asked.

  
“I got some intel from April that there was some Foot activity here. Maybe delivering weapons?” He suggested, leading Leo down the docks to the empty cargo container he and Raphael had set up.   
“How many do you suspect. Probably should call Raph.” Leo said, reaching down to get his shell cell. Donnie quickly took hold of his wrist and smile.

  
“No need. I'm sure you and I can handle it ourselves. Also a little alone time with you doesn't sounds so bad.”

Donnie gave a smile. Leo stared at him for a moment before taking hold of the intelligent turtles hand and squeezed, kissing the top of his forehead.

  
“Got it. We can handle a few ourselves.” He agreed before walking ahead. Donnie took a breath before walking alongside his mate.

  
They got to the end of the dock where Leo spotted an oddly lit container.

  
“Think they have some men held up in there?” He asked in a hushed tone. Donnie looked over to see a flash of green on the other side. Donnie rushed towards the container gaining a displeasured growl from Leo.

  
Donnie made it to the container to see it was completely lit up and large enough to fit an army. He heard Leo coming up from behind and growled quietly,   
“Donnie what were you thinking? The foot could have been here!” He lectured. Donnie did not respond as he watched the opposite side open to see Mikey and Raph walking in.

  
“Mikey don’t be such a drag. April was sure that the purple dragons were gonna be here.” Raph’s obnoxiously loud voice echoed in the container.

  
“And I'm telling you from my intel they wouldn't be coming to the dock!” Mikey protested, walking in behind the red banded turtle.

  
“Mikey?” Leo spoke up, causing both Raph and Mikey to stop. The youngest didn’t speak initially, he just stared to see his two oldest brothers on the other side of the container. His heart was racing slightly, looking up at his mate for answers.

  
“Why are they here?” He demanded. Raph didn’t answer, instead he took a step back and with quick movements, snagged Michelangelo’s nunchucks and ran out the container, shutting the colossal door behind him.

  
“Hey!” Mikey turned, banging on the door, demanding Raphael to open it.

  
“Donnie what is-” Leo couldn't finish his sentence before Donnie got behind him, snatching up his katana and making a swift exit just like Raph.   
With both doors shut, Leo and Mikey were left in the container alone and with a hundred questions.

  
Donnie rushed over to the container next to the one he had trapped his brothers in. Raphael was already there, opening up the laptop that showed the cameras set up inside the container.   
“Well, that was easier than I thought.” Donnie said, taking a seat next to Raph looking at the screens.   
“Well sorry it took so long to get there Mikey really didn’t trust me when I said the Purple Dragons were here.” Raph admitted.   
“Its okay. Leo was pretty suspicious too. But it worked out and they’re in there. Lets see how it works out.” Donnie pulled up another tab on the computer and set up the microphone so they were able to listen in on what was going on inside.

  
Within the container, Mikey banged on the door with everything he had, growling in frustration that he was caught. He centered his anger towards Raph for tricking him into this. And now, now he was stuck in this thing with the one person he didn’t want to see. He rested his fists against the door and took a breath. He turned his head slightly to look to see Leo just standing there, watching him struggle and knowing he wasn't getting out. He huffed before turning to face his eldest brother with scowl.   
“Why are we in here. Something tells me you were apart of this.” Mikey accused. Leo bit his lip.   
“I have no idea. I got tricked into this just as you. Maybe they did this so we can actually talk.” Leo suggested.   
“No thanks.” Mikey responded.   
“Mikey please. This has been going on too long. I apologized, for everything I don’t know what else you want!” Leo hollered. What he wasn't expecting was for mikey to charge at him in full force. Leo was quick to dodge and redirect the attack and jump out of the way.   
“I want you to leave me the fuck alone!” Mikey screamed, before charging at Leo once more.

  
Up above the two middle brothers watched as Leo and Mikey fought, keeping eye to see that no attack was meant to damage. They watched as Mikey advanced towards the eldest and Leo strategically blocking every move, just as they would suspect.   
“Man, thought at least one of them would start a conversation.” Donnie admitted.   
“Mikey’s got a lot of pent up anger.” Raph explained. “Especially towards Leo. I wonder if it's more than what they were telling you know?” Donnie quirked an eye at Raph.   
“What do you mean?” He asked.  
“I dunno. This all seems a little off ya know? To be that mad at Leo for saving your life? Whenever we talk when he decides to, he never talks about Leo. Like ever. So I just think there gotta be something else we’re missing.” Raph explained. Donnie pondered over the thought of an extra variable in the aggression Mikey had towards Leo and something turned in his stomach.

Their attention was caught when they heard Leo trying to speak. They saw in the screens that Leo was still blocking every wild attack coming from Mikey.   
“Mikey! Thats...enough! Just..Talk to me!” He demanded, pushing Mikey far enough to catch a breath. Mikey stumbled back by the force and narrowed his eyes at his brother. Leo was at a complete loss. He didn't understand the hate, the anger. None of it was fitting together.   
“Mikey what is it you want from me? I apologized, I begged for your forgiveness. I did everything you wanted why are you still so hateful?” He asked in sincerity, catching the attention of Donnie and Raph. Mikey looked around, seeing the cameras placed around the area. He looked back at Leo and growled,   
“Not here.” Leo copied his movements to see the cameras and realized why he wanted to stay hushed. With an exhausted sigh, he spoke.   
“Mikey this is ridiculous. We need to talk about this please. For our family for christ sake for our sanity!” He demanded.   
“Fuck you!” Mikey yelled, charging at him once more. Leo dodged and grabbed at him, twisting his body to flip him over for Mikey to land on his shell on the ground. Mikey gasped at the sudden attack, remembering his brother was a master and felt dumb for charging at him like that. He grunted, feeling the heavier body on top of him, pinning him on the ground so he couldn't move. Mikey did all he could to shake the hold, but it was useless against someone like Leonardo. Anything physical was impossible with him.   
“G-get off of me!” He screamed, struggling against the hold. Raphael watched the fight and couldn't help but tense up. He had to hold himself together, remembering that neither Donnie or Leo knows what happened to Mikey and had to keep that in the back of his mind so he wouldn't go and rip Leo away from his mate.   
“Mikey just...Just stop fighting me and just listen!” Leo demanded, struggling himself to keep him down, realizing his brother had somehow gotten stronger since the last time they had sparred.   
“Get the fuck off of me! I don’t want to talk to you! I never want to see you again! I will never forgive you!” He screamed. Everything fell silent, as if time stopped. Leonardo stared down at his little brother doing everything in his power to keep cool. He took a breath, settling his racing heart before looking down at him once more to see the look of regret on Mikey’s face.   
“You don’t mean that.” He stated. Mikey bit his lip. He was right, he didn’t mean that. But he needed Leo away from him. He needed space from his overly dominant persona. He needed him not to say anything else. Not while those cameras were on.   
“Get off me please. Leo. Please let me go.” He begged.   
“I can’t.” He stated.   
“Please!”   
“I can’t!” Leo Barked. Raphael listened to the exchanged and couldn't help but to feel the underlying message in Leo’s words and the anger boiling in himself.

Mikey slammed his head back down and went slack under Leonardo. Biting his lip he looked up at concerned older brother.   
“Not here.” He repeated more quietly. Leo leaned in closer, looking Mikey directly in the eye, seeing the desperation and fear. He didn’t want to see this look. He wanted to see him happy, loving, like before, before all of this.

Nothing could have predicted it, and nothing could have stopped it. Leo leaned down in full, capturing the younger turtles lips in a light, simple kiss. Raphael jumped, hearing the audible gasp from Donnie, seeing the shock on his face. Raphael was going to say something till he heard Leo speak once more.   
“I’m sorry. For everything. Please, please Michelangelo I just need your forgiveness.” He begged quietly next to the small turtles lips. It was silent, pure effortless silence.   
Leo didn't have time to breathe when one of Mikey’s hands reached behind him to pull him back in for a fevered kiss. It was desperate and passionate. It was so unexpected that both forgot about the audience watching over them.   
Raphael and Donnie sat there in utter shock. What they have been thinking, what they were told was all wrong. Raphael didn’t know what to do. Does he crush in Leo’s skull for kissing his mate? Does he demand answers from Mikey who returned the affection over twenty fold? Does he cry, does he scream. He would describe it as if his heart was actually breaking before his eyes. Mikey has been lying to him since day one of his return, but Leo? Leonardo the brother he confided in, trusted in hopes he would help bring Mikey home to him? His leader? He was feeling more than broken, he was feeling betrayed.   
Raphael was snapped out of his daze of confusion when he watched Donnie get up suddenly and dash for the door to open it.

The kiss was something that Leo had been craving for so long. It was one thing for him to initiate it, it was another for Mikey to respond to it the way he did. Mikey released him and they stayed close for a felt like an eternity. Leo felt almost a bliss, like the feelings were there. He looked into Mikey's eyes, waiting to hear his answer, even if the kiss was enough to answer for him he needed to hear it, a verbal acceptance.   
“I can’t.” two simple words little over a whisper. Leo didn't move from where he was, processing the words they he heard, trying everything he could not to shatter. He felt more confused than how it started. Leo ducked his head, biting his lip and fighting his emotions. Mikey was about to speak until he heard the door of the container open. He got up on one elbow to look over to see Donnie standing there, Raph right behind him and both with similar facial expressions. Confusion and hurt. Mikey started to feel his heart race, vision getting cloudy of the intense feelings of regret and shame. All too familiar, painful feelings. He needed to run. Now!

He didn't even take a moment to look at Leo who was still leaning over before he jumped up as quick as he could and dashed out the container.   
“Mikey wait!” Raph yelled, attempting to catch him. Mikey was too quick and ran out into the darkness, not even worrying about getting his Nunchucks back from Raph. Raphael was ready to chase after him until he saw Donnie move closer to Leo who was standing back up.   
Leo wasn’t even able to stand up fully when the fist collided with his face. Raph was shocked by the immediate aggression from his normal pacifist brother. Leo hesitated, but stood up in full ignoring the sting in his cheek. He was met with those almond brown eyes and could see the rage fuming in them.   
“You were never mad Mikey kept taking me away.” Donnie spoke low. “You were angry it wasn't you he wanted.” The sneer and grit in his words was enough to make Leo’s skin crawl.   
“I'm sorry.” Was all Leo was able to come up with. He had no words, he had no explanation. At least none that would make them happy. Donnie didn’t say anything back. He simply dropped Leo’s katana at his feet and turned his shell on him. Donnie didn’t even look at Raph when he exited the container. Raphael felt like the world was spinning. This experiment that he and Donnie had came up with took a turn for the worst. It was obvious there was things that were not shared before and things that have happened meant to hurt. Raphael looked up at his eldest brother and wanted nothing more than to beat the shit of him but his heart urged him to find Mikey. Ask him why he would betray him like that. What has happened to lead to this. No words passed between Leo and Raph and Raphael turned and left Leo alone in the container to collect his thoughts and think of a way to fix this.

* * *

 

  
Mikey clutched at the trash can with all his might, throwing up whatever bile was left in his stomach. Once the last heave was done, he leaned his head against the bin, catching his breath. Donnie walked up to him putting a blanket over his shoulders, seeing his body starting to shake.   
“Any better?” Donnie asked. Mikey shook his head, against the bin, cringing at the sting in his neck he felt. He had been home for a little over a day. After the Purple Dragons had let him go in the middle of the city, he was able to find his way back home. He was malnourished and mind foggy but he was able to do it. While he was passed out, Donnie was able to do some minor patch ups but once he woke up, all he could do was throw up the nothingness in his stomach, a reaction from the lack of drugs in his system. Since then, Donnie wasn’t able to get close to him to focus on any of the other injuries exposed on the small mutants body.   
“Well, it looks like you're going through a detox, who ever had you kept you pretty doped up.” Donnie explained. The aching in his body made Mikey slightly irritable.   
“Kinda figured that.” A snapped. Donnie took in a sharp breath to keep himself from saying something equally as sharp, remembering the sensitivity of the situation. From the corner of his eye he saw Leo leaning against the doorway, watching like a hawk. He could see his body tense in anticipation for Mikey to say what happened and who did this and where Raphael was so he could become the hero and save the day. Donnie turned back to Mikey when he heard him heave once again.   
“Well you'll be detoxing for a few days at least. But luckily it won't kill you it's just really going to suck.” Donnie said. Mikey took a few deep breaths before shaking his head in agreement.   
“Mikey who had you?” Leo perked up, walking into the room till he was next to his sick brother. Mikey sat there, concentrating not to throw up again. He swallowed an cleared his throat.   
“Purple Dragons. Don’t know where we were. I don’t know where Raph is.” He said quickly, trying to answer all the questions at once so he wouldn't have to answer them again.   
“Mikey is there anything you remember? Landmarks, the cell you were in? Anything that could help us.” Donnie tried to push. Mikey curled in slightly, whimpering at the sudden pain in his stomach. Leo watch his brother in distress and placed a hand on his shoulder, reassuring him he could rest.   
“I think this is enough for now Donnie. We’ll figure out more when he's feeling better.” He told him. Donnie felt guilty, understanding the urgency of finding Raph but also completely disregarding the condition MIkey was in.   
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He stood up. “I'll be right back I’m going to get some herbal tea and some medicine that should help with detox.” He explained before exiting the room. Leo waited a moment before starting to walk out as well. He didn't get very far before Mikey grabbed his hand causing him to halt. He looked down to see Mikey wasn’t looking at him, but could see the slight shimmer of unshed tears.   
“Stay.” He was he could croak out. Leo nodded before take a seat next to his brother, never releasing his hand. For a moment they sat there in silence and with slow, timid movements, Mikey shifted his body to fit the crevice on Leonardo's side and curled up slightly, and began to weep in his brothers chest. Leo wrapped his arm around the smaller turtles frame and held him as he cried and heaved until he fell asleep. Donnie came in and placed the tea on the table for when he awoke, and he would wake still in Leo’s arms.

* * *

 

  
_**A/N: Sorry for the late update guys! But here you are! Leave comments/ reviews they are appreciated (: Till next time! -F** _


	12. First Comes Truths

First Comes Truths 

.

.

.

.

  
  


Raphael sat there, fingers intertwined and his elbows resting heavily on top of his knees. He didn’t know just how long he had been sitting there in the dark and ignored the ache in his back and legs from the strenuous position he was in. He was determined to wait till Mikey had finally showed up.

Raph was certain that Mikey would have came back to his apartment considering he had nowhere else to go. But found out very quickly, or at least in the first few hours that was not the case. Raphael just couldn’t bring himself to move. In a way it seemed he was still trying to registered what had happened. A plan to bring his two brothers closer together backfired and hit both he and Donnie pretty hard.

Raphael glanced down at his shell cell that he put next him on the old gutter couch hoping to see it light up with Donatello’s response to his 100th text message. Raphael just needed to vent. He wanted to vent to Donnie since he seemed just as shocked as Raph by what happened with Leo and Mikey which indicated Donnie knew nothing about it. He wanted his genius brothers opinion and insight. But, it was very clear Donnie was not ready to talk or was trying to clear it up with him and Leo. 

Raph gritted his teeth at the thought of his older brother. How dare he take advantage of Mikey like that. This entire time just playing to be his friend and concerned brother just to stick a knife in his back. What was the reasoning behind that kiss? Was it just in desperation for Mikey to come home? Or was it more? Raphael growled as the image of Leo on top of mikey imbedded in his memory. He needed answers. 

Another 30 minutes past and Raphael stood up, looking out the window to see the sun was starting to rise. Wherever Mikey was he wasn’t coming back to this apartment. In any case Raph needed to head home. He could feel his blood begin to boil knowing his eldest would be there and he needed to restrain himself with every fiber in his being to confront Leonardo. Because if he wasn’t gonna get answers from the youngest, he sure as hell was going to get them from the eldest. With that, he went out the window and down the fire escapee

To the man hole and disappeared in the sewers before the sun had fully risen. 

* * *

 

Entering the lair was a surreal. It was eerie quiet, with no lights on except for the overhead bar lights that Donnie made to represent natural sunlight. Raphael scoped the living room to see it hasn’t been touched and listened to find that Donatello was in his lab. He looked to see in front of Donnie’s door was some plates of food and water and could only assume they were from Leo as a peace offering, which Donnie has refused to accept. Raph didn’t blame him, if Leo were to apologize to him he wouldn’t accept it either. Then again, he was doubting Leo would do that in the first place. 

 

He could feel his heart racing as he walked down the steps of his home and in the direction of the dojo where he could see a faint light under the doors. He looked to the left to see Master Splinters room was empty which lead Raphael to the assumption either his father was in the dojo with Leonardo, or somehow the fearless leader sent their father away. Raph was going to choose the latter. 

 

He pushed the doors open and just so he could see his assumption was correct. Leonardo was in the middle of a Kata, obviously strained from hours of doing the same one. This was something he did when he was under extreme stress. 

  
  


Or guilt. 

 

Raph wasn’t careful as he entered the dojo, slamming the door behind him catching his eldest brothers attention. Leo paused in mid form and looked over his shoulder to see his brother standing there rigid, immediately noticing the tense muscle lining. Leo stopped and straightened out. Raphael took a breath seeing his brother come into a full stance. Though Raphael was taller, by at least 3 inches, there were times where Leo always felt slightly bigger. And today was one of those times. 

  
  


“Where’s Masta’ Splinter?” He asked in a slight grumble. Leonardo didn’t even flicker, keeping a cool tone and stoic face. 

“He’s at the battle nexus. I assured him he needed a vacation away from all the drama happening at home.” Raph huffed. 

“Yeah, bet you really gave him a choice. Was it that he needed a vaca, or was it that you just needed him gone so he wouldn’t scold you for being a shitty brother.” At that point Leo narrowed his eyes. 

“I haven’t done anything wrong.” He bluntly said. If it wasn’t for the intensity of the situation, Raphael would have rolled over laughing and praised Leo for a humorous joke. But this wasn’t funny. None of it was. 

“Ya seriously think you did no harm?” Raph asked. “You went behind my back! You had another agenda and played me like a fiddle! I trusted you. Ya played the concerned bro who wanted his family back but nah, you were just trying to be a fucking snake.” Raphael yelled. Leo kept his

Stance, not even budging at the raise in voice. 

“I was concerned for you, and I still am. Nothing has changed.” 

“Everything’s changed Leo!” Raph moved a step closer. “Ya knew Mikey was my mate and yet you still went and did that! What kind of brother-no, what kind of leader does that to his team?” Raph said. 

“You don’t know anything Raph so don’t make assumptions.” Leo said mildly. 

“Yeah? What don’t I know huh? Might as well just spill it.” 

“Don’t” Leo responded, instantly tightening his jaw. “You’re not going to like the answer.” He warned. Raphael threw his hands to the side. 

“I ain’t like it now Leo!” He screamed. “I ain’t liking the secrets, the lies, and I sure as hell ain’t liking what I saw yesterday so I ain’t happy and I know whatevs’ you’re gonna tell me ain’t gonna be happy but it’s too late! Just come clean!” There was a mutual silence between them. Raphael watched Leo’s face closely, seeing the small sweat drop go down the side of his cheek. Raph ran his hand down his face, quickly squeezing his bottom lip before throwing his hand down.  

“Did you fuck him?” He asked. Leo just stood there staring, unmoving like a statue. The few seconds after he had asked felt like eternity. 

“Answer me Leo! You owe me that much!” He yelled. Another moment more, without flickering eye, Leo responded. 

“Yes.” Raphael’s body somehow increased in temperature ten fold. He could feel his body physically shaking in anger. Angry at the deceitfulness of his brother and even more so after everything Michelangelo had been through, what was Leo thinking? 

“How many times?” He asked without thinking. He didn’t know why he needed to know that answer. Maybe it was just once, Raphael could find a way to forgive them quicker. 

“Raph-“ Leo tried to protest 

“Dammit Leo how many times!” He yelled. Leo took a breath and bit his lip. 

“I don’t know.” 

 

Multiple. 

 

It was multiple times they had slept together. So the greatest question really was; 

 

When did it all happen? 

 

“Leo, for the love on everything on this planet, please, please tell me it wasn’t when I was gone?” He pleaded. At that moment, Leo’s eyes shot down to the floor and that’s was the only answer Raph needed. 

Out of anger and disgust, he lunged at Leonardo with all his might, aiming to hit his face as hard as he could. Leo though was able to see that from a mile away and was able to dodge and return the hit only for it to be blocked and returned with a jab to the side. 

They fought. This fight was not like the others. This was filled with rage, jealousy, and hurt. Raphael felt nothing but the searing pain in his heart

As he aimed for his brother over and over again. A few good hits on each other left them both with bloody lips, swollen cheeks, and anger to continue the fueled fire. It wasn’t till Leo did a direct hit to Raphael’s temple did they separate, at that point Raph was seeing stars. 

Raphael took a few steps back and growled. 

“What the hell is wrong with you Leo? How could you do that to me! How could you do that to Mikey after everything he went through!” Raphael screamed. Leo wiped away the blood from his chin with the back of his wrist and was breathing heavily. 

“It had nothing to do with you Raph.” He seared. 

“It has everything to do with me Leo he’s my mate and you knew that! And what’s worse you decided to make your move when Mikey was at his most vulnerable and you took advantage! Where is your fucking honor?” He shot back. 

“I didn’t take advantage on anyone.” Leo responded. “He wanted me to and I didn’t hear

any complaints.” Raphael lunged at him again, pure rage courses through his veins hearing Leo talk about their encounters so Leisurely as if there really wasn’t anything wrong with it. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand how tall Leo stood and how nonchalant he was treating this. Raphael was able to get Leo down on the ground, attempting to place his forearm across Leo’s neck but leo was blocking the attack with his own arms. 

“Ain’t no way I’m believing that bullshit!” He growled In Leo’s face. “What he went through ain’t no way he’d let you near him like that!” Leo tucked a leg under Raph and kicked him back enough so he could roll out of the hold. Keeping his low position at an advantage to escape if needed. 

“That’s why I said you knew nothing Raph. This isn’t about what has recently happened  it goes past that.” Just as he had finished his sentence Ralph Lunged at him only to have Leo dodge out of the way. He stood back up and kept his distance. 

“Leo I’m done with your damn mind tricks if you don’t start talking some sense you best believe you ain’t getting out of here unless you in a body bag.”  He threatened. Leo took a few more steps back, he knew if Raph wanted him to talk he needed to be at a distance to do so. 

“He chose me first Raph.” he said bluntly. Raphael stopped moving all together to process this new information he had been given. 

“What?” He said with slight annoyance. Leo rolled his eyes and threw his hands down to the sides. 

“Before you two got together, he came to me first.” Raphael would have choked if it wasnt for the sevarity of the situation. 

“The hell are you talking about Leo?” He demanded. 

“Mikey came to me, months before you two were together and expressed he was having feelings and attractions that weren’t particularly brotherly.” He said. Now that part Raph laughed at. 

“You expect me to believe that shit? If that’s the case then why did you two never make it official?” Raph challenged. 

“Because I turned him down.” Leo explained. “I told him that it wasn’t right and the only reason I said that was because my feelings were similar and I got scared.” Leo admitted. “Next thing I knew you two were sneaking around and I understood I lost my chance.”  He bit his lip and looked away. “When he came back he wanted nothing but my attention and one thing just lead to another.” 

“Ya know you’re getting a real bad habit of lying.” Raph commented. 

“I’m not lying.”    
“Thats bullshit! Mikey never mentioned any of that to me!” 

“And why would he?” Leo said. “Tell me Raph who came to who first? You or him?” Raph paused and thought about it. It Was him who expressed himself to Mikey first. But Mikey was all for it. It was meant to be, or so he thought. 

“Well aint that just hunky dory.” Raph said. “Then why does he hate your guts then so much?” 

“Because I tried to save his life. That was true. He felt I broke his trust when I tried to intervene. I want nothing than for him to forgive me.” Leo spoke genuine, just like he always has, and thats what Raph hated the most. 

“Yeah? Then what? Ya hope he’ll just jump into your arms and ya’ll can live happily ever after?” He said. “And what about Donnie huh? Just gonna let him hang out to dry?” That was a jab. 

“I love Donatello.” Leonardo reassured. “I have always adored him but Mikey and I have a connection as well that goes past brothers. I can’t explain it, and I don’t know how to describe it but Mikey feels the same.” Raphael growled. 

“That's some serious trash Leo and you know it! Mikey is warped and you used that to your advantage to try and sneak your way in. He needed help and you used sex to manipulate him!” 

“He wanted me to Raph I’m not lying ask him yourself.” Leo shouted losing his temper. “Never once did I ever force myself on him and never once did I ever initiate any encounter. It was always on his terms so I can’t help it if he crawls into my bed in the middle of the night.” He calmed slightly. “And besides, the only person who was trying to manipulate anyone with sex was you.” 

“The fuck are you talking about?” Raphael felt the same anger as before begin to boil up. “I aint doing shit!” 

“Really? Weren’t you the one trying to convince Mikey to come home by sleeping with him?” Leo challenged. 

“That was different bro’ for the fact hes my fucking mate and I know what hes been through and youre a real piece of shit for doing what you did!” 

“What are you talking about Raph? I did what Mikey wanted me to do I had it in my mind I was helping!” He shouted. 

“Ain’t no way of helping him that way after everything!” 

“Everything what? What happened!” It was too heated, it was too intense, and word vomit was all that it took. 

“Jesus Leo aint it obvious he was fucking raped!” It echoed. The word unused in that household, causing a stir in the spirits and every ounce of anger leaving Leonardo’s core. 

“What?” He asked almost breathlessly. 

“What you need me to spell it out? So tell me how the fuck am I supposed to believe that Mikey was all over you with shit like that huh?” Raphael said. Leo didn’t respond. Instead, he grabbed his middle, suddenly feeling sick. He reached down to lead himself to the bench to sit down. To him, it made sense. 

“Raph I promise you on Splinter’s life, I had no idea.” he said quietly not facing the red banded turtle. 

“Well now ya do, and I sure hope you feel like trash.” He said bluntly. 

“You know Raph, knock me down all you want, but if you need to hear the truth from another source, go find him. I’m done.” Leo said with a shaking breath as he stood up walking to the door. Raph growled and watched as the eldest left the room with his head low. Raph felt he had won that battle but not the war. He wanted the real truth and that meant he would have to wait. He would have to wait in that dark apartment for the next hours till Michelangelo return. And something told Raph, their conversation was not going to be pretty. 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  
  


The creeks and drips from the sewer pipes were not enough to rise Leonardo from his deep slumber, even the cracking noise of his door opening wasn’t enough. His days event with Donatello trying to locate Raphael had lead him too exhausted to notice. It wasn’t till the figure was a few feet away did Leo sense its presence. He cracked open his eyes to see his little brother standing over him. 

“Mikey?” He asked in a tired tone. Mikey didn’t move, nor did he answer back. Leo got up on one elbow to get a better look at his brother. At this point Mikey had been home for about a month and physically healing and gaining his weight back. But, he was still skittish, and had a hard time leaving Leo’s side even for a moment. 

“You okay?”  He asked, reaching out grabbing the youngers hand, concern look on his face. He could see Mikey was shivering and unshed tears in his eyes.    
“Can you help me? Please?” He asked in a child like tone. Leo was searching his face to find some sort of clue as to what Mikey was asking for. 

“Anything.” He assured him. Mikey looked down, biting his lip and stepping closer to the bed. Leo leaned back as he saw Mikey come closer and put his knee next to him. Leo sat up more as Michelangelo was officially kneeling on the bed and wanted to be closer to eye level. What he wasn’t expecting was Mikey to move close to his face and kiss him hard. Mikey tried to deepen it, but Leo was far too confused by what was happening to respond. He pulled away to try and face him but Mikey quickly dipped his head to Leo’s neck, peppering kisses and attempted to use his weight to push Leo down but Leo refused.    
“Mikey what are you doing?” he questioned. 

“Please leo. I need help.” He whispered against his neck. “Please, I need to sleep.” He said so quietly Leo almost missed it. 

“Mikey there are other ways-” He was immediately cut off when Mikey reached down and rubbed against the soft cartilage hiding away Leo’s manhood. 

“I don’t want another way. I want to do this. Please. Leo please.” Mikey’s voice began to get breathless, arousing Leonardo in a way he shouldn’t. For so long Leo has fought these feelings he has had about his brother and when both he and Raph went missing, a part of Leo felt empty. When Mikey came home all Leo wanted to do was make sure he was okay, make sure he was cared for the way he should. But this, he didn’t think this was a way a doctor would prescribe medicine. 

“Mikey.” He grunted as the youngest started to rub against the cartilage already feeling his dick hardening. “Mikey, what about Raph?” At that point Mikey’s hand slowed, and he stopped attacking Leo’s neck. With a slow motion, he lifted his head till he and Leo met eyes. Leo could see the desperation and hurt and couldn’t think of anything to say. Mikey didn’t attempt to make conversation as he dipped down and captured Leo’s lips in a long, sensual kiss. 

The sensitivity of the situation quickly changed as Mikey began to rub at Leo intensly Making Leo gasp. When Leo finally appeared, Mikey quickly wrapped his hand around leo’s organ and pumped it as experience has taught him. 

Leo wasn't so lucky. Leonardo has yet to experience sex, let alone a hand job which for him was making his head spin. It didn’t take him long to get hard and he knew it wouldn't be long till he finished. 

As if Mikey read his mind, he moved the blanket to get a better view of his prize but didn’t look too long. He was swift and as positioned himself above Leo’s penis and dove down right on top. Leo threw his head back at the feeling of the tight ring around his dick. It felt amazing. It was tight, warm, and wet enough that he was able to slide with no problem. The back of his mind told him that Mikey had prepped himself beforehand, meaning this was a planned attack. 

Leo was so overwhelmed with the feeling of ecstasy he had almost forgot he needed to participate. He moved his head to look up to see Mikey bouncing up and down on him, face painted with pleasure and his hand moving perfulsy over his own erection. Leo wanted to help and attempted to reach up and help, but Mikey pushed his arm back, not needing the assistance. He wanted to ask him why about all of it, but couldn't find the words through his mind of pleasure. 

Suddenly, Mikey’s tone change to something lighter. He was moving his hand faster till it slipped off his rod all together and his seed leaking at the top. Leo grunted. He could feel the walls around him closing and opening in a rapid movement that sent him over the edge. He climaxed hard , gripping the sheets under him. After a few more shocks of pleasure, he finally took a breath. He was sweating and could feel Mikey’s sweat and cum on his legs but didn’t mind. He watched as Mikey was on his for a moment more and without looking at him, Mikey got up and put himself away. 

Leo was about to make a comment but Mikey him off. 

“Thanks Leo.” He said without looking at him. 

“Y-yeah.” Was the only response he could muster. Mikey bit his lip. 

“Just don’t mention this to anyone okay?” He asked. Leo wanted to protest it, and figure out what that was all about. 

“Okay.” was all he could say. Before anything else could be passed, Mikey left the room and shut the door, leaving Leonardo in the dark no longer able to sleep.

 

* * *

  
  


_**A/N: Comment and let me know what you think!  Till next time!** _

_**-F** _


	13. Self Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I do apologize for such a late update with this chapter. This one really meant a lot of me and took a lot out of me to write. A lot of personal experience went into this and I wanted to make it perfect without risking my own mental health. But I hope you all enjoyed and tell me your thoughts! 
> 
>  
> 
> Till next time! 
> 
> -F

Self destruction 

.

.

.

.

 

2 days. 

 

2 full days Raphael kept himself in his mates apartment waiting as patiently as he could for his return. He spent most his time sitting at the kitchen table facing the window in hopes Michelangelo would come through but so far has been out of luck. He still hasn’t heard from Donatello and Raphael knew he heard his and Leonardo’s fight in the dojo. But his intelligent brother was definitely showing his stealthier side by staying in a  low profile. 

Raph didn’t even wanna think of Leo. 

His eldest was now a stain in his life and wanted him removed. How smug he was talking about Mikey like he knew anything. But he got him. 

Raphael felt a sense of pride seeing the look of disgust on Leo’s face. Though he knew it really wasn’t his place to be spewing out Mikey’s dirty laundry but boy did it feel good to see Leo fall like that. 

He knew this wasn’t a time to be a sore winner, but he couldn’t help it. He felt that was the only satisfaction he was going to get with this whole situation. 

He didn’t know what he would do when Mikey walked into that apartment, if he ever will. He just felt so angry, and hurt. He wanted yell and scream in Mikey’s face and express his frustrations about his mates actions. But there was a little voice in the back of his mind that continuously reminded him this wasn’t the same Mikey. This was a damaged Mikey, a hateful Mikey. His Michelangelo wouldn’t hurt Raph like this. This one though, this new vindictive version just might. Was it on purpose or on accident? That was what was on Raphael’s mind at this point. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Maybe Leo did just take advantage and pretended not to be aware to avoid anymore confrontation with Raph. There were a hundred reasons that were going through his head. He knew he wasn’t going to come up with the answer. He knew he was only going to get it from Michelangelo. 

He sat at the table, hands clutching at each other with a fierce hold. He was convinced from the way his hands have been placed for the past few hours they would bruise. He felt far too anxious and didn’t know what to expect when Mikey came back.  He didn’t know if he was going to yell, cry, or all of the above. He was just so tired and truly running out of fight for this losing battle. 

He flinched, hearing the latch of the window go up. Through the shadows he could see a figure emerge and immediately he felt raw.  Mikey finally came home. 

He came in lightly, barely making a sound as he shuffled off his coat and the snow off of his person. He sighed feeling the warmth of the apartment and ready to go to bed. 

“Bout time you showed up.” He heard Raphael said. Mikey quickly turned around to see Raph getting up from his seat at the table. He gave a half ass smile. 

“Hey Raph. Funny seeing you here.” He spoke in an almost slur. Raphael immediately picked up on Mikey’s tone of voice and stance, seeing him slightly slouched. 

“The fuck is wrong with you?” He asked approaching Mikey to see he barely even registered Raph coming close. He chuckled at his comment. 

“You mean currently or all around?” He asked with his head low.  Raph didn’t miss the quick movement of Mikey trying to hid his arm away. Raphael quickly took hold of Michelangelo's arm and jerked up into the dimmed lighting to see what he wished he didn't.

Bruises. 

Bruises from needle injections. 

Raph felt mortified seeing those self inflicted wounds and better understood Mikey’s current behavior. 

“You’re fucking shooting up?” Raph demanded to know. Mkey pulled away and stepped back and had a slight grin on his face. 

“Well when the booze and the coke start getting dull I find the next best thing.” he stated. Raphael felt ice enter his blood stream. How could he do that to himself? Those kinds of drugs are unpredictable alone let alone entering the body of a mutant turtle. 

Raphael felt enraged he was sure he was seeing red. 

He shoved Mikey hard, having the smaller turtle fumble slightly but caught himself. 

“What the fuck Mikey!” He yelled. “What the hell is going on with you!” Mikey just stood there, sunken in eyes looking down at the floor, like a child being punished for breaking an expensive vase. Raphael took a few deep breaths. He needed to ignore the drug issue for now. That was just a reaction to the bigger problem. 

“Leo told me what happened.” He said simply. Mikey didn’t move. He was trying to stop the spinning in the room from his high but wasn’t able to. He was doubting Raphael was gonna let him sleep this off. 

“Didn’t ya hear me I said I talked to Leo!” Raph yelled.  

“I heard you.” Mikey responded keeping his eyes downcasted. So monotone, So lifeless. It really was like Mikey didn’t care. 

“He told me ya slept together. Is that true?” The validation he needed. He needed to hear it from Mikey. If he heard it from his mate it would be clear. It would be that last piece he needed to fully break. 

Mikey didn’t move initially. He could feel his heart racing, the feeling intensified by the narcotics in his system. He didn’t know what to do. He looked up slowly and met eyes with Raph for the first time that night. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Like a rock thrown at a window, Raphael shattered. 

“Why?” He asked. Mikey bit his lip and looked away. 

“Why Mikey!” Raphael yelled. 

“I don’t know!” Michelangelo seethed, wanting nothing more then to go to sleep and deal with this in the morning. He started to feel panic rising in his chest. 

“You don’t know? That’s funny cuz Leo has this impression you two are gonna run off to some neverland and live happily ever after!” Raph blurted. 

“What he thinks isn’t my problem.” Mikey said. 

“No, it is your problem because he got the idea when you were fucking him!” Raph blurted. Mikey could feel his jaw starting to tighten, little voices speaking to him the back of his mind telling him to feel afraid. 

“Do you love him?” Raphael asked, snapping Mikey back. 

“What?” 

“I said do you love him!” Raph demanded. “I mean you must since you went to him first.” The pettiness in his tone could match that of a 15 year old girl and Michelangelo wasn’t a fan. 

“That’s not how it happened. Or- wasn’t supposed to happen. I don’t know!” Mikey yelled back. Raph was starting to see some life again but ignored the signs of panic his small mate was expressing. 

“Yeah ya know what happened? I became second choice that’s what happened!” Raph Barked. 

“No it wasn’t supposed to be like that!” Mikey tried to reason, at least he thought. He didn’t know what he wanted or what he was saying. His mind was too foggy to truly register his feelings. All he knew was that he truly was losing his shit. 

“Then how was it then Mikey! Why sleep with him? Why do that to me?” He demanded to know. Mikey need to focus his attention on something else besides Raphs words. He needed to or he was about to snap. 

“I don’t- I don’t know. I wanted to- needed to maybe? It just had to happen i guess?” He stuttered out no longer trying to pay attention to Raph. 

Raphael stood there and just couldn’t believe this entire situation. Mikey was caught and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just admit it. 

“Wow Mikey. I really thought I meant something more to you.” Raph threw that punch hard and caught Mikey’s attention immediately. 

“What do you want me to say? What do you want from me?” Mikey said. 

“How about just admitting  ya fucked up! How about just really mean you’re sorry or maybe that ya wanna fix it and not run off like a coward! Or maybe just admit that this is just something you fucked up and not blame your situation for your actions!” With that simple comment, Mikey suddenly felt clarity. 

And Hatred. 

“Excuse me?” Mikey asked. 

“Ya heard me Mike. We were both in that place and we both got out. That ain't an excuse anymore and need to own up to your mistakes!” 

Mikey stood there completely still, baffled beyond words. 

A smirk broke on his face, a bubble of giggles  released. It was subtle at first but immediately turned into something that would be considered hysterical. 

“What the hell is so funny.” Raph barked. Mikey didn’t respond, he simply laughed louder at Raphael’s incompetence of understanding the source of his humor.  Raphael felt a shiver run down his spine listening to Mikey laugh. It sounded like the same laugh he hadn't heard in so long. The laugh that was full of happiness and love. This wasn't that though. This was cold and dry and taunting in a way. 

Raphael growled, kicking at the couch with all his might, making it move across the room and causing Michelangelo to stop laughing all together. 

“Enough!” Raph roared. “Enough with the taunts and games Michelangelo I’m tired of it!” Mikey kept his eyes down towards the moved couch. 

“Why? It's just so damn funny.” Mikey spoke in a louder tone still facing away from the larger turtle with a grin still on his face holding back his giggles. 

“What ?” Raph asked. If looks could kill Mikey definitely became the master. 

“It’s funny that you think that we went through the same thing in there” Mikey sneered. “Were you raped? Hmm? Were you sodomized from both ends with objects you can’t remember cuz you were in so much pain it all just became a blur?” Mikey’s voice began to rise and he stepped towards the larger turtle. Raphael instantly felt regret. No he really wasn’t dealing with the old Mikey, not all. 

“Come on Raph. Come on! Tell me about how they starved you! How they wrecked you from the inside out or how they pumped you with so many drugs you’re still in shock that you still have a pulse!” 

“Mikey I-“ 

“Go ahead and tell me about how they made you suck them off for water or how they humiliated you or degraded you!” 

“They didn’t!” Raph yelled over Mikey. 

“Oh! Oh, I thought you said we went through the same thing Raphy boy!” Mikey sneered. “News flash, we didn’t!” 

“ _ I _ was punished!” He walked closer to Raph. 

“ _ I  _ was tortured!  _ I _ was turned into garbage _ not  _ you! And for what?” That grim smile appeared on Mikey’s face again. “Why? Why me?” He asked. “You think I wanna be like this Raph! You think I wanna be angry all the time? You don't think I wanna play video games or read my comics or train or just go back to the way things were? I've tried!” Mikey could feel the panic rising to the top of his throat, his heart pattering away and his hands began to go numb from the intensity of his emotion. Raphael watched closely clamping his jaw shut as tight as he could. He came to the realization that Mikey had finally cracked. Raphael licked his incredibly dry lips. 

“Mikey I ain’t saying you haven’t been through some shit bro, but don’t mean you get to treat the people who are trying to help you like trash!”  Mikey narrowed his eyes. 

“Help me?” He repeated.  “Who’s trying to help me Raph? Was it Donnie or Leo when they were out desperately trying to find us? Cuz the last time I checked they didn’t!” Mikey hollered. Raphael didn’t have a response to that because it was true, Donnie and Leo failed to find them considering one was their leader and the other was a genius. 

Mikey took a step back and walked for a minute and took a breath, looking back up. 

“I’m not sorry.” He said catching Raph off guard. 

“What?”  

“I said I’m not sorry.” He clarified. “I'm not sorry for my behavior, for my attitude, for the things I’ve done. I’m definitely not sorry for fucking Leo.” Mikey’s tone grew icy. “I wanted to and he was willing and if he catches feelings that’s not my problem.” Raphael stood there and listened to the words coming from his mate. How cruel, how animalistic. 

“Maybe I wanted to hurt him.” Mikey admitted, trying to stop his jaw from trembling from the anxiety. “Maybe I wanted him to hurt so maybe he could understand how much I hurt.” 

This was the high that was talking. Barely making sense, but his true jumbled feelings came to light. 

“Why would you want that?” Raph asked, voice croaked. 

“Because I hate him!” Mikey blurted. “I hate him for wanting me and coddling me and wanting to love me after everything! I hate Donnie for not finding us and for being so spineless and I hate you for getting us in that situation in the first place!” 

Oh how silent the apartment got the rats skittering across the floors was amplified. 

He said hate. 

He meant the word. 

“Mike I didn’t-“ 

“The only reason that Hun was on the roof that night was because of you! You had the vendetta against him and I got the bunt of your punishments! And for what?” Mikey sounded breathless, almost worn out and hysterical as he continued to talk, not paying attention to his eyes swelling hard with tears.

“Because I thought it would be okay for me to love you? Because I thought caring about you more than a brother would be okay? Guess Hun sure showed me how wrong I was! I lost everything I was because of you! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t  _ breathe _ without something reminding me how pathetic and useless I was and I don’t know how to fix it! I don’t know what I’m doing Raph!” Mikey rubbed at his face, laughing breathlessly. “I’m fucking killing people Raph. I’ve killed live people because I thought maybe if I did it would make me better. It doesn’t, but I keep doing it.” He grew so quiet. “You know you came in here thinking you were gonna fix me but you can’t fix me I’m already broken like glass. You think you’re the glue but you’re just the polish. You can’t fix it. No one can.” 

Raphael was out of his element. He was hurt, so hurt but his pain was not in the range of Mikey’s. Mikey’s was on his own planet of carnage and hate fueled by the abuse of the Purple Dragons and the sense of betrayal of his brothers. He never realized Mikey had so much resentment again them, especially himself. He didn’t know Mikey blamed Raph for what happened to them. He didn’t know anything. 

Maybe that’s what Leo meant. 

“I’m here now Mikey.” He said so quietly. At this point Mikey kept his eyes down at the ground, eyes darting back and forth from the high, wanting Raph to just stop talking. 

“I know ya ain’t in your right mind now bro.” Raph tried to make it clear he wasn’t going to hold anything Mikey says against him considering his state, he just wanted Mikey to listen. 

“Please, let me take you back to the lair.” 

“No.” So short. 

“We can go back and maybe we can talk to Master Splinter.” 

“No, no , no I don’t wanna go there.” Mikey was visibly shaking. 

“I can bring him here, maybe talking to Master Splinter could help.” Raphael offered. 

“I don’t wanna be here either.” Mikey said more harshly. 

“Mikey please just tell me what you want so we can fix this!”  Mikey twisted so quickly to face Raph, tears staining his cheeks, heading down his throat. 

“Don’t you get it I don’t wanna be here! Anywhere! I don’t want to be living anymore Raph!” His voice croaked with emotion, and all the red banded turtle Could do was watch as Michelangelo self destructed.  

“I just don’t want to be here, anymore. I don’t want to live with these voices in my head and the things I have done and deal with what I’ve gone through I just want to be gone.”  

“You don’t mean that Mikey.” 

“I do.” He countered. “I really really do.” 

“No you don’t Mike! Just cuz you tried to off yourself once don’t mean it’s a permanent thing!” Raph tried to convince. But at that point he didn’t know who he was convincing. 

“Who said it was just once?” Mikey looked Raphael dead in the eye. “I can’t count the amount of times that I have stood on the side of buildings or pointed a gun to my head and wanted nothing more than to pull the trigger.”  The truth coming out so sharp. A snarl came from the younger turtle. “The only reason I haven’t succeeded was because Master Splinter made me promise I wouldn’t.” Raphael couldn’t be more thankful for their father. Its true that Raphael didn't know the extent of the involvement of the old rat but was happy to hear he was involved enough to stop Michelangelo from making such a permanent decision. 

Mikey bit the inside of his cheek, contemplating the little voices he was hearing in his head and whipped out the pistol from his belt. 

“Guess promises don’t matter anymore.” He placed the mouth of the weapon comfortably against his temple. Raph immediately tensed seeing the gun fitting so nicely against his lovers head. 

“Mikey wait!” Raph said in panic, didn't move in fear he would pull the trigger. 

“Why? So I can get more promises that things will get better? Or that I'll move on and forget about what happened?” He asked, hand trembling slightly from the drugs and exhaustion. “Promises don’t matter. Nothing matters!” He just needed the world to stop spinning and the voices to stop screaming so loudly. He could feel his chest constricting tightly like a paper ball. He squeezed his eyes so tight. He just needed to pull the trigger. If he did, then his world would go dark. He wouldn’t feel pain anymore. He would finally have some rest, some peace. 

“You matter, Mikey.” Raphael’s voice somehow evaded his mind. When he looked back up at the red banded turtle, he could see the softness in his features and his eyes filled with urgency. 

“You matter, and I matter and Splinter, and Leo and Donnie we all  _ matter _ . We matter because we're family. That's all that matters. And we stick together thick and thin and through pain and love and suffering and all that bullshit. I know what they did fucked you up, I know I can’t change what happened to you. And I definitely know I aint the only thing that can fix you. But I want to try, please, because you matter to  _ me _ .” Raphael explained. He watched Mikey as he kept the gun close to his head, eyes pouring over in tears. 

This was Mikey. He wasn’t  _ his  _ Mikey who was full of life and fun and excitement.  This wasn't this cold killer full of hate and rage and fueled by the blood of his enemies. 

He was just, broken. 

Mikey trembled harder, simply from the fatigue and drugs. He wasn’t going to be able to finish the job. He felt so weak. 

“I'm sorry.” He sobbed. “Sorry.” 

He slouched slightly, keeping the gun close to his head, but not out of the vicinity. Raphael made his move quickly and snatched the gun in timid movements. He kept close to his small mate, seeing the orange band turtle kept his head low, submissively giving Raph the gun. Mikey didn't try to move away from the larger turtle so Raph felt bold and took hold on Mikey’s chin and lifted his head. Mikey kept his eyes downcasted, refusing to look at Raph in the eye. Raphael observed the smaller turtle and for the second time, he saw his Mikey again. It was so brief and so subtle but he was still there. 

“Mikey-”

“I think I need to go to bed.” Mikey cut him off. Raph didn’t say anything, keeping hold of his chin. 

“I’m sorr-” 

“I need to go to bed.” Mikey repeated with slight firmness. “Please.” Raphael hesitated but released the smaller turtle and Mikey immediately moved away, stepping back a few feet before turning all together till he reached the door towards the bedroom. He stopped for a moment and looked over his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry Raph.” He said. Raphael could feel the emotion building in his throat. 

“Why?” He asked. 

“For not being yours anymore.” It was all he said before closing the door behind him, leaving Raphael alone with his thoughts. 

As if the world demanded it, Raph fell to his knees, and tumbled to the side leaning against the tilted couch and cried. 

He felt so exhausted and so drained and hurt he didn’t know how to process it. This night took such a turn and it crushed him seeing his lover place a gun to his head and hear his screams of hatred towards him. Raphael wiped away his tears and thought about the last thing Mikey said. He said for the second time now he was no longer his. This wasn't meant in a sexual manner anymore. 

This wasn’t  _ his _ Mikey anymore, and Raphael went to sleep coming to terms and accepting there was no changing that fact. 


	14. Walk Away

Before this chapter starts I would like to announce Cherish was nominated for best Romance in the TMNT Universal Readers Choice awards!! I am so excited and so happy my work is being recognized at a higher level (: 

[ https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdnmSkyIraRjJzpdbFnRRWGV1aLI7-40xm5RgSk2vyjuyPItg/viewform ](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdnmSkyIraRjJzpdbFnRRWGV1aLI7-40xm5RgSk2vyjuyPItg/viewform)

Here is the link to vote if you feel Cherish deserves the win! 

 

Now back to the story! 

 

-F

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Walk Away

.

.

.

_ Beep... _

 

_ Beep... _

 

_ Beep… _

 

Raphael stretched, the sudden noise interrupting his dreamless sleep. He could feel his body was stiff from sleeping on the couch and lack of rest. He groaned, squinting in hopes it would help make his eyes more flucid. 

He rubbed his forehead and sighed, feeling the mental exhaustion roll over his body.  He felt so defeated. 

So lost. 

He didn’t know what he should do. Does he go into the bedroom and demand Mikey to talk to him man to man? Does he go home and allow this to settle and continue on like nothing happen? Does he continue with the secrets, the overbearing anger of his young mate and continue the rage filled fucking in hopes that maybe one day Mikey would just snap out of it? 

 

Or does he just, walk away? 

 

That last thought did send him into a swirl of energy and made him fully awake. Does he have that option? To just walk away? Could he morally leave his damaged lover to his own damnation and dread? Could he do that? He looked down at the coffee table to see the pistol rested on top. Could he walk away? 

 

He didn’t shake off the idea. If anything it filtered and was becoming more of a reality. Was this all worth it? What else could Raph really do to progress in the right direction of healing for the young turtle. Was there a way? 

He tried to talk, tried to get Michelangelo to open up and face his demons but it seems to only push him further away emotionally. He’s attempted to make Mikey take at least some sort of responsibility but that didn’t seem to work. He’s tried guilting, sympathizing, empathizing everything but nothing seems to allow Mikey to budge out of this pit he had fallen into. 

Maybe Raph really couldn’t bring the old Mikey home. So what was the point? 

The buzzing continued again, a reminder of unread message he had ignored. Sitting up with a groan he opened his up phone deciding to reach the apparent urgent message before going to find Michelangelo. 

Raph immediately saw the text he had received and it was from Donatello. Moving at lightning speed he opened up the text and found it was an article named “sexual trauma: the aftermath” 

 

Raphael read.

 

Raphael learned, 

  
  


It certainly didn’t make him feel any better.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The sun was barely over the horizon of the city, barely kissing it with its beams. Mikey sat over the edge of the apartment building, like he did every morning looking at the awakening town. His cigarette was almost burnt out, didn’t even take a drag of it, not having the energy to.

 

He was so tired. 

 

He sat in silence with his cigarette and looked down to see the light layer of fog starting to disappear. It was time for him to head inside soon and hide away from the world. Hide away from everyone. 

 

Instinct told him about the presence looming behind him. He turned his head only enough to see the dark green skin before turning forward, again, refusing to make eye contact. He felt his throat begin to swell, dry by his anxiety, also lack of water considering he was coming down from his high. But also from  embarrassment. 

He was embarrassed by the way he behaved last night. He didn’t want that outcome. It really was just the drugs telling him what to do and say. Though most of what was said was true, he didn’t want it announced in that fashion. Now, he couldn’t even look at Raph. Not like he wasn't already self loathing, he could add emotionally unstable to the list. He bit his lip and threw his unlit bud over the side of the building. 

They sat there in silence for a moment longer before Raph cleared his throat. 

“I got a text from Don this morning.” He started, words caught in his throat coming out harsh. Mikey didn’t respond. 

“It was an article. About what happens when someone is...well..is you.” He said. He coughed, feeling uncomfortable. He could see Mikey’s shoulder’s slightly tense. 

“The thing said people who have been..raped er, traumatized experience things like aggression, lack of interests, uncontrollable emotion,” he paused for a moment, wetting his lips. “It also said hyper-sexuality was a thing to look out for.”  Mikey didn’t move, he just wanted to listen. “Guess a lot of this could have been addressed sooner if Donnie knew. Lil geek must have been listening in while me and Leo were going at it.” Raph admitted. Mikey bit his lip. 

“Leo knows?” He asked quietly.  Raph bit the inside of his cheek. 

“Yeah.” Mikey nodded slowly. 

“Okay.” He said, feeling small.  Raph looked down at the gun he held, feeling it to be much heavier than before. 

“Is that why you slept with Leo?” Raph asked. “To, gain control back-or something? That's what the article said at least.” Mikey thought about the question. In hindsight it was mainly the reason he supposed. But, certainly not the only one.    
“I don’t know.” He said. Raphael felt unfazed by the monotoned answer which to him was a strange.

 

_ Walk away. _

 

Mikey was getting anxious. This is the most emotional he has felt in months and he felt as though at any moment he was going to lose Raph. 

“It’s pretty, right?” He asked in a small voice. Raph looked around almost lazy like, tired. 

 

_ Walk away.  _

 

“What is?” He asked. 

“The sky.” Mikey responded. “When it’s this early in the morning, everything seems so calm.” Raph listened to Mikey speak, it was the way he spoke before all of this. Before the trauma, before the lies, before it all. 

“Do you know what this reminds me of?” He asked. 

“What?” Raph responded.  Mikey looked down at the street, still a little too dark for the average person to notice them as the cars below them drove by.    
“It reminds me of that one morning a couple of years ago. We were just getting done with patrol. It wasn’t anything special just dealing with some goons on 5th street but that was about it.” Mikey started. Raph was thinking to a time but couldn’t pinpoint a specific moment since they are always dealing with gangsters. 

“We were on our way home and we took a detour just so we can have some time alone.” Raph could have sworn he saw a tiny smirk on Mikey’s face. “But then there was a fire. The old apartment Building on Main and12th.” Mikey said. Raph thought back, and the memories flooded through. 

“We were only planning on stopping for a minute. We saw the fire department was taking care of it. It seemed like it was under control.” Mikey shifted. “But then that woman, she was screaming because her baby was still inside.” Mikey watched as the lights in the neighboring apartments began to come on, the city becoming alive. 

“I panicked, I was just hoping the firemen could get to the baby but,” Mikey turned slightly, enough to make eye contact for a moment, almost like a reassurance that Raph was still there and turned back forward. “You went into the building, didn’t even think about it. I was going to follow you but the time you went in the flames got too large. I waited for you. All I could think about was how fried you were going to come out. Like a turtle on a stick.” He chuckled at himself for the lame joke. “I knew you were going to come out, even if it seemed like you weren’t. Then you did.”  Mikey smiled. “You came out with that baby in your hand and you brought it safely to the alley and the firemen were able to find it. They thought it was a miracle.” He took a breath. 

“I just remembered how strong and brave you were and i get reminded how selfless you really are. I get reminded every morning why I fell in love with you.” Mikey turned fully and watched Raph’s face, seeing how sad he looked. 

  
  


_ Just walk away _

  
  


“I always think about that baby, how perfect it looked in your arms and amazing it would have been if we were dads you know? Like, you would teach him how to fight and chug a beer and I show him how to skateboard and see if he can beat my highest scores. Then there would be Don to teach him tech stuff and Leo to be his sensei and Master Splinter would enjoy being a grandpa. It was just seems so wonderful every morning I wake up and look out over this ledge.” Mikey was observing Raphael. He could see the exhaustion in his mate, his lack of interest. Mikey was just too late in his explanations. He turned back to face the city. 

Raph absorbed Mikey’s words and couldn’t help but feel that warm sensation of Michelangelo’s passions. How he use to talk, his childlike wonder peeking only for a moment. 

But Raph knew better. 

This wasn’t that Mikey anymore.

“But, that doesn't matter right? It's not like that could ever happen. Not now, not ever.” Mikey said quietly to himself. 

 

They sat there in silence for a moment more before Mikey spoke and said what Raphael was contemplating. 

“You can leave.” Raph’s jaw tightened. It wasn’t the same as before. No, it wasn’t like the times before where Mikey taunted him and teased him to leave after a night of aggression and hate. 

 

Mikey was giving him an out. 

 

“I get it. I haven’t been really fair to you. To anyone really.” Mikey said, squeezing his hands together like a nervous child. “You don’t deserve to deal with this Raph. So if you leave, I understand. I would leave too.” He said so quietly, sounding stretched. 

 

Raph stood there for a moment longer before biting his lip and began lowering the gun to the ground.   
“Can you take that with you? Please?” Mikey asked so timidly. Raph froze for a moment before standing back up.  His instincts told him to comfort Mikey. His heart told him it was time go.

 

Walking backwards, Raph tried to swallow the lump in his throat. This was one of the hardest things he had to do. But, the choice was made. He needed to walk away.  

 

The sun rose in full, shining down on the two, illuminating this light of non existent hope. Raphael left the roof, feeling heavy and torn. Michelangelo stayed there as the sun fell over him. Making him feel hopeless. His one chance at safe haven left the roof, and it was his fault. 

 

It will always be his fault. 


End file.
